My Inner Compass: A Path to Thanks Giving

Photo credit: John - Heaven's Gate (Flickr)

The frenzy of the holidays is now upon me. Today has been spent baking and cleaning as we prepare for Thanksgiving (the cleaning is no small task in our house; I am looking around in despair - was not this place somewhat cleaned up just two days ago? Aghhhh!) And the preparations always take much longer than I think they will take; I thought the kitchen would be clean already but I was blindsided by the amount of time the baking has taken. Right now I am avoiding a sink full of dishes to clean and dry (our dishwasher broke - should add an interesting component to the holiday.) This is the third round of dishes and pots and pans today. Ugh.

Despite all this, I am looking forward to the holiday. Thanksgiving has special meaning in our family. On my mother's side of the family, our ancestors came across on the Mayflower. One was the guy that fell overboard but managed to catch hold of some rope and got pulled back on board - good thing or I might not be here today. (The fact of his falling overboard is pretty exciting to our family as he is actually mentioned in books describing the incident.) His name was John Howland. He married fellow Mayflower passenger Elizabeth Tilley; they had ten children and eighty-eight grandchildren. I am trying to wrap my mind around those figures. They had more grandchildren than I had guests at my wedding. Wow. That also makes me distantly related to George W. Bush and Sarah Palin. Bummer.

I wonder what my ancestors thought and felt before they took this passage across the ocean to an unknown land. This was a dangerous journey to an "untamed" area - the New World. Such a journey required enduring known and unknown hardships culminating in trying to survive in a new environment with virtually nothing. This was an act that took enormous faith and courage. I think also an enormous trust in following one's instincts or heart. Stepping foot onto the Mayflower changed the course of their lives forever.

We all have different journeys that come up during the course our lives which hold the potential to transport us to a whole new realm of living and understanding. One of my most profound journeys began when I became pregnant with my first child. I stepped foot onto a path that would forever change who I was, what I thought and how I behaved. And yet, I did not know it at the time. I simply said, "Yes. I am taking this journey to a New World" without fully realizing what this New World would entail nor where it would take me.

Photo credit: Ryan G. Dickerson (Flickr)

I didn't know a thing about this journey of parenting. I had not planned nor prepared for it beforehand in any way. I knew absolutely nothing about birthing, breastfeeding or the responsibility of caring for another human being on any conscious level (although instinctively all that is there if we don't let society get in the way - but I didn't know that either.) What I did have was an internal compass - an internal guide (feeling) that let me know I was on the right course. And I had fortuitous encounters with outside guides (like a chance meeting with someone or finding the perfect book) which bolstered me, encouraged me and affirmed that I was headed in the right direction.

While I wasn't sure of specifics of how to get there, I did know where I wanted to go: I wanted the very best, most healthy start for my children; I wanted them to know how deeply they were loved; I wanted them to have a strong core sense of self which would offer them the best resilience to the obstacles that life would inevitably throw their way; I wanted them to have a solid understanding of who they were as individuals and a strong internal compass that would guide them well on their own journeys in life.

For me this journey started with an interest in natural childbirth - that was kindled accidentally by a neighbor who was studying the Bradley Method for her own birth. And one footstep down this path led to another and another. Desire for a natural childbirth led to an interest in breastfeeding; a little book called Twenty-Five Things Every New Mother Should Know led me to a La Leche League meeting (which was really unusual for me - I didn't really go to group things like that) which I loved; breastfeeding led me to the path of instinctive mothering - staying home with my children, carrying them or wearing them in a sling, bed-sharing (the crib became a really expensive clean laundry basket), and breastfeeding according to their need. I felt comfortable listening to and meeting my children's needs. Eventually my compass pointed unmistakably toward educating my girls at home. This definitely felt like a leap into the proverbial void - a journey like my ancestors into an unknown and unpredictable world.

These experiences have actually strengthened my internal compass. My intuition has become more finely tuned through mothering. My awareness of my relationships, of my environment and of all that is around me has grown. Listening to my internal compass has facilitated in me a stronger sense of self and self-confidence.  I have become more focused. More aware. More loving in a conscious way. This came from following my own unique path. Acknowledging and honoring my internal guide. And then moving forward from there.

Along this path I have cultivated friendships with some of the most wonderful people I have ever met. I would not know these fine friends if not for this particular parenting journey. If I had parented in another manner, taken a different path, our lives would not have intersected. Certainly not on any deep level. I feel so very grateful for their presence in my life.

Along this path I have taken my husband. A bit unwilling at times. Sometimes kicking and screaming. At times the path I was pointing to seemed absolutely crazy to him. It did not look like his friends' paths. It did not look like our neighbors' paths. Yet, he can now see what a beautiful and rich place this journey has taken us to (and is still taking us.) And he has influenced the journey, too  - especially during this time in our family life where he has really been trail-blazing with the girls by cultivating their interests and activities. He has become the head guide here; I am following along admiring the view.

Along this path I have experienced the deepest love I have ever known if my life, both with my children and with my husband. I have gained healing and self-confidence. I have grown in infinite ways that maybe I will never completely understand, but yet I feel like I know so much more than I ever did before I had children. This was all because I said, "Yes. Yes, I will go on a journey to a New World trusting my self, my partner and nature to provide for me all that I will need." How very grateful I feel for this journey, this path that is still unfolding before me.

For you, I hope you are approaching your own unique path with gusto, trust and openness. Follow your inner compass - your heart. It will lead you to the most exquisite and beautiful places. Go... and enjoy. Godspeed!

Photo credit: Donald Leetch (Flickr)

Safe Sleep Campaign Butchers Breastfeeding

So, breastfeeding got stabbed in the back this week with Milwaukee's launch of the new photos for its Safe Sleep Awareness Campaign. Perhaps you've seen the controversial photographs of babies sleeping in fluffy beds with big knives right next to them?

Gee, how subtle.

What I find particularly disturbing about this campaign is that by focusing on scaring people from co-sleeping the City of Milwaukee Health Department abdicates taking on the real issues contributing to infant deaths in their area. "Co-sleeping" is a easy scapegoat. Issues such as low rates of breastfeeding, alcohol and drug abuse, smoking, economic stress, poor pre-natal care, specifics of unsafe sleeping conditions, and lack of real support for mothers (especially single mothers) are swept aside. Instead, we get a one-size fits all blanket statement "Co-sleeping in a bed with your baby is as dangerous as your baby sleeping with a butcher's knife" = only a crazy, irresponsible parent would do that!

Really? This is the best solution they can come up with? How is this scare-tactic approach going to help mothers (and fathers) confronting the constant and relentless needs of their helpless infants? And it certainly does not aid the cause of increasing breastfeeding rates (which is a major public health concern) because breastfeeding success is intimately intertwined with infant nighttime needs. Simply put, babies are designed to breastfeed and they are also designed to wake frequently at night to nurse; this provides the best insurance for their growth and survival. Our babies are designed to sleep near their mothers.

Despite public health campaigns that promote crib sleeping for infants and malign bed-sharing, many mothers and babies end of sharing sleep at some point. This study investigates where babies in the U.S. really end up sleeping. When health care and government agencies fail to consider the very real needs of mothers and infants during the night, demonize bed-sharing and fail to educate parents about safe sleep conditions for bed-sharing they inadvertently put babies in greater danger. Desperate mothers in their attempt to avoid bed-sharing may accidentally fall asleep in far more dangerous places with their infants like arm chairs, rockers or sofas (which would still labeled as "co-sleeping" by our state agencies even though it's the very thing these moms are trying to avoid.)

Talk about co-sleeping invariably triggers strong emotional responses in people. In preparing to write this blog I got swept away reading people's emotion laden responses to this issue. When a baby dies, this is a heartbreaking tragedy; people rightly want to prevent this from happening. And when it comes to where babies sleep, people have strong feelings, partially from wanting to protect babies and partly from believing they know the "right way" that infants should sleep. I noticed people can be pretty judgmental about the whole thing.

The truth is we can't prevent all infant deaths - there is no absolute guarantee in any situation be it in an adult bed, a crib, a bassinet or a playpen. A mother whose infant dies in a crib is just as devastated as the mother whose baby dies in her arms or next to her. Each mother is going to wonder if she could have done something differently so that her baby could still be here. Each mother is doing her best to do the right thing. Somehow, though, society likes to point a more judgmental finger at the "co-sleeping" mom. I am not understanding the reason for this - this attitude is distinctly biased.

What would really be helpful for parents in order to decide where is the best and safest place for their infant to sleep is a good hard look at the science behind infant sleep and nighttime needs. And to give parents more accurate statistical risks of co-sleeping. We really aren't there yet as a society; misinformation abounds from popular parenting magazines and books to advice from medical caregivers. New parents are bombarded with messages that their infants should be "sleeping through the night" and often have absolutely no awareness of how normal and beneficial it is for babies to wake frequently at night. Babies wake at night frequently to nurse and to be near their mothers. This is normal. Really. And an honest and realistic discussion about what constitutes normal infant sleep and how families can meet their infant's needs is desperately needed.

Does this mean that mothers and babies have to bed-share? No. There are lots of possible sleeping arrangements, but many families are probably going to bed-share at some point even if it's just out of desperation to finally get some sleep one night. That's why anti-bed-sharing campaigns are not helpful and can even cause the very problems they are trying to stop. According to the health campaigns, this is a health issue, not a moral one, so let's really take a good look at the facts and reality. The issue is to prevent infant death by providing a safe sleeping environment. So, let's make sure sleep conditions are safe, but we also need to acknowledge the reality of infant nighttime needs.

Photo and sculpture: JeanetteRansing (Flickr)

With statements like this, "Infants may be brought into bed for nursing or comforting, but should be returned to their own safe space to sleep when the parent is ready to return to sleep," I have to truly wonder whether any of the staff at the Milwaukee Health Department are even parents who have ever cared for an infant. That statement just seems out of touch and unrealistic. The mother is the one who actually has to interact and care for her infant night after night after night after night; this care work is exhausting. Do you really think she isn't going to pass out from exhaustion at some point? Let's get real. Guidelines have got to be realistic and they've got to work. Since mothers will probably sleep with their infants at some point, let make sure everyone knows what the parameters are for safe co-sleeping or bed-sharing. That's being realistic.

And one of the ways we can make sharing sleep more safe in addition to spelling out the specifics of safe bed-sharing is by promoting, supporting and protecting breastfeeding. We really need to do more to make sure mothers and infants are able to breastfeed successfully and support this symbiotic and essential relationship. Breastfeeding is one of the major contributing factors towards preventing infant death.

In this Fox News story, "Is Sleeping with Your Infant Right or Wrong?", we see the Milwaukee Health Department's prior approach before the baby and knife photos with the same campaign using a headstone for the headboard bearing the same message - uh, it didn't really work the first round and if they are not addressing the real concerns (like not breastfeeding and how to safely meet an infant's needs) then I really don't see how it's going to have more success this time. The idea of making bed-sharing illegal strikes me as a truly frightening prospect; and warped, too - yeah, that's right, make breastfeeding next to impossible, continue policies that perpetuate a complete lack of support for families and then prosecute them when they are just trying to meet their baby's needs. Scary.

Families need support. Mothers especially need support. They need help making breastfeeding a success with public health and social policies that truly make nursing their infants possible. Not scare tactics, but real information and support services to help them make the decisions that are in the best interest of their family.

To simply admonish parents not to sleep with their infants, ever, under any circumstances, is unrealistic, quite possibly unethical, and does not provide the optimum in nutrition and sleep physiology.                                                Morgan et al. JOGNN 2006; 35: 685-691

Amen.

The Taming of the Flu

In my other life (you know, before I had kids) I decided at one point it might be a good idea to actually try to make money doing the acting thing in addition to volunteering my time in 99-seat theatre. So I took the plunge and did extra work; the best money in extra work is in commercials. My first job in the commercial world was for a product which I thought no one would use. We shot all day at Union Station in downtown Los Angeles in front of a make-shift automatic teller machine - the subject was germs. Oh, those grimy, filthy germs you might get from touching the buttons on the machine right after someone else and catch you-know-not-what. I had an immediate eye roll going - like who the heck was going to buy this product? It was so over the top!

That product was Purell. And you know what, I just purchased me five bottles of that there stuff the other day (well, actually I bought the generic version at Ralphs because it had a higher alcohol content and was - as my mother would say - "the right price"). Yup. Had to eat my words almost 16 years later. I did say to never say never, right? You see, Fall has hardly just begun and I've already been dealing with colds - I kind of feel like I'm on the cold merry-go-round with never ending cold symptoms for myself minus the merry feeling. Then the kids finally came down with a cold.

This is a huge ordeal in our family. For a lot of reasons. First, if any of us gals get sick in the family I have to hear my husband's immediate and loud grumbling and complaining about how he can't afford to get sick - I understand; his Blackberry is constantly buzzing. We depend on him for the bacon. He's got to be on his game (he's self-employed) and there are no sick days off for him. I really hate the complaining, though. Mainly because some empathy first would be nice, you know? Second, I totally get something awfully close to PTSD from remembering when my kids were little and spending entire nights for days on end walking around with a sick baby/child because they were so miserable (that was before we finally figured out that a cold mist humidifier is a total godsend.) Third, my oldest girl had pneumonia for the second time last winter (the first time in first grade) and let me tell you, that's scary. So, my husband and I (being the super-emotionally intense people we are) totally flip out inside (and, okay, a little on the outside) whenever anyone is sick.

Before I had children I rarely ever got sick. I had a really healthy constitution. And I'd never really been worried about germs. Now, when someone sends their snotty nosed child over to my house or I hear someone sneezing, I freak out. Like, really, your kid is constantly sneezing and coughing and their nose is running - um, could you please not send her over to my kids' house to play? If I figure this out after the kid has already arrived, I am known for sending the kid back home. Sometimes these situations can't be helped, and sometimes I am the culprit and don't even know one of my kids is sick until later on (illnesses always seem to really come on during the late afternoon or evenings - why is that?); if I've been with friends and my child later becomes sick, I call everyone to apologize and give them the heads-up so they can take whatever precautions they like to take. Some people are relaxed about it; others go into high gear.

I've turned into a high-gear kinda gal. So, hence, the hand sanitizer. And yet, I am not really the healer type interested in medical modalities; I don't carry homeopathic remedies around with me, nor do I know all sorts of alternative healing methods -  heck, I don't even carry Band-aids in my purse (I always admire moms who do; I just can't seem to get my act together.) No one prepared me for this aspect of mothering. In my family, you got 7-Up and Saltine crackers and some Robitussin. No herbal remedies. No humidifier. My family was the generic American type of family. Standard 70's and 80's fare. You did what the doctor said (which was usually prescribing antibiotics.) My mom was really big on germs (her Master's was in epidemiology) but I remember her worrying more about food spoiling than about washing hands. Or, maybe I just never really paid attention to the hand washing part as I now remember she used to put in those little hand wipes in our lunches that I don't think I used. Yeah, I probably wasn't paying attention.

I'd rather not use over-the-counter medicines or any type of prescription medicine unless truly, truly necessary - like when it has become obvious there is no other choice. I definitely believe in the body's amazing ability to heal itself. By taking good care of our bodies and taking precautions hopefully we can ward off many illnesses; and when we do succumb to illness, giving ourselves and our families tender loving care is essential in healing. But, there is an art to healing and a core set of knowledge that's helpful to obtain - both for prevention and for healing. Since natural remedies and healing techniques are not something that has been handed down to me from my family (nor my husband's) and I don't have a natural aptitude for any of this, this is something I have to learn. I find it a little overwhelming. Just trying to get everyone to wash their hands multiple times per day has become my new job. I feel like the Hand-Sanitizer General.

I've been doing a little research and talking with friends trying to figure out how to make this year better. I've looked at conventional medical wisdom and more natural oriented approaches. This summer I took my oldest daughter (the one who has had the pneumonia) to see Dr. Lauren Feder who is an MD who also specializes in homeopathy. I hadn't had any experience with homeopathy (and my husband thinks the whole thing is whoo-haw) but I really felt compelled to do something for my daughter to boost her immune system and do whatever I could to protect her health.

A homeopathic visit felt a little like a therapy session - the doctor wants to know every single aspect of your life: who you are, your past history (birth, etc.) what your interests are, how you feel about events, etc. Then based on this, she prescribes a remedy. Dr. Feder also steered us towards Gemmotherapy which were are using this fall/winter to prevent and treat illness. Frankly, it's reassuring to have a medical professionally trained in both conventional and natural ways of treatment. Dr. Feder also has recommendations on her website for preventing colds and the flu. The only thing I kind of wonder about is the recommendation to avoid swimming during the fall/winter because the year we swam during the fall and winter was actually the one year that we didn't get sick at all (I am thinking the pool acted like one big Neti pot - no virus could possibly survive the public pool chemicals.)

So these are the strategies I am trying out this year in our family:

1. Washing our hands - a lot, especially when we walk in the front door (we weren't really doing this enough I am embarrassed to admit.) I also have hand sanitizer in each car, my purse and by the computer (no one can even touch the keys until they've doused up.) My kids think I'm nuts.
2. Taking pro-biotics and trying to eat more foods that contain these type of healthy organisms: yogurt, kefir, miso soup. I like saurkraut, but no one else in my family does, so that's out.
3. Using a saline nasal spray and then blowing our noses before bed: I really don't want to do the Neti pot - I'm sure it's better for you, but it seems a real pain in the you-know-what which means it will never get done. My youngest found the saline spray funny and each person gets their own with their name on it.
4. Drinking hot tea in the morning - good for creating a warm moist environment beneficial to the sinus area and for washing away any bad mucous that crept upon us during the night. My husband and I drink tea in the morning anyways - I am trying to entice the girls to enjoy some kind of herbal tea before breakfast. 
5. Using Gemmotherapy: The girls are taking Briar Rose and Lithy Tree once a week for prevention and have special instructions from the doctor if they get sick. Heck, I really should probably be taking the adult version, myself. Will look into that this week. (Don't know why I forget about myself).
6. Wearing slippers/socks in the house. Keeping the feet warm was a new one for me; actually, I need to get the oldest daughter and myself some slippers first - she outgrew hers and mine got chewed up by the dog. We have wood floors, so this is probably a good idea. Planning on taking care of that this week.
7. Eating lots of fruits and vegies - the girls would rather eat ice cream, but I'm going to try to make sure we have enough. The thirteen-year-old seems to have a sudden disdain for "healthy foods" and a penchant for whatever I would deem not healthy as a form of independent thinking -- wish me luck.
8. Getting plenty of fresh air and exercise - the girls generally get enough and when we go to Topanga to work with the horses (part of oldest daughter's volunteer work) we get a great boost of both, but I have got to figure out an exercise plan for myself - even if it's just walking around the block (this is every mom's lament is it not?)
9. Going to bed early - The time change and the darker evenings help here - they literally invite an earlier bedtime and act as a reminder to slow down during this part of the season. The youngest is easy; the teen - more challenging as she somehow now wakes up in the evening - go figure. For me, no blogging or Internet late into the night this winter. In bed by 10:00 p.m. is my goal. (Hopefully this will have more success than New Year's Resolutions.)

I am praying that with these endeavors we can lessen our chances of getting colds and avoid the flu. If we get a little something - well, tender loving care is the most important thing; a loving touch goes a long way in promoting healing. I think we always remember how we were treated when we were ill because we are vulnerable during this time and really need thoughtful, caring attention. I really learned the power of this healing attention from my husband who cared for me so tenderly one year when I got the flu.

An article on how doctors keep the cold and flus away, brought up chicken soup as a wonderful old-fashioned remedy. Homemade soup has all the right ingredients to make our family members feel better, plus it's filled with loving energy - can't get that store-bought! Here is our family version:

Organic Chicken Soup/Stock 

1 organic chicken, cut in parts or whole
2 stalks of celery, cut in thirds
2 carrots, cut in thirds
2 onions, quartered
1 or 2 leeks, cut in big chunks (including some of the green stalk)
1 small sweet potato, peeled and cut in half
1 tomato, quartered
3 - 5 whole cloves of garlic
Handful of parsley, including the stems
2 bay leaves
1 tsp. of thyme
1 1/2 to 2 tsp. Pink Himalayan Salt 

Place all ingredients in a large stock pot and cover with water; bring to a boil over high then turn down the heat to medium-low and simmer for 1 1/2 to 2 hours. Strain broth into a bowl. The chicken meat can be removed from the bone and used in the soup or saved for another meal. The broth can be enjoyed by itself. Or, alternatively, you can slice a couple of fresh carrots and celery and add to some of the broth in a smaller pan, cook through and add some of the chicken meat and noodles or rice for a more substantial chicken soup. I also like to freeze some of the extra stock once it has cooled. We discovered that Pink Himalayan Salt is absolutely the secret ingredient that brought the flavor of the chicken stock to a new level. Enjoy!

Wishing you good health this season! Please feel free to share your prevention tips and family remedies...

The Sacred Keeper of the Family Ritual

Santa wasn't coming to our house this year. No, I haven't been naughty (at least not naughty enough, although that might be fun) -- just wiped. After a tumultuous year feeling as if I had been on the stretching rack to the point of breaking, the thought of gearing up for Christmas just felt like too much. I just wanted to run away. You see ... I am Santa Claus. I am so sorry to break the news to you - hope I haven't shattered your whole world. I want to believe in Santa Claus, too; if only he would deliver me a personal assistant and a housekeeper life would be pretty sweet. But, it ain't happening.

Why on earth am I writing about Christmas when it's October? I hear you - I find it annoying to see shops putting up Christmas decorations in early October (saw this happening at Macy's and spotted holiday cards at Barnes and Nobles - they're on sale btw). Hello! Halloween hasn't even been celebrated yet. My kids don't even have their costumes yet either. But that's the point. Because, as soon as October hits, it's all over for me - Youngest Child's Birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Mother and Sister's Birthdays, Advent, Christmas, New Year's Eve, Epiphany and Husband's Birthday. I am tired just looking at the list. I just complete one event, come up for air and the next one is coming relentlessly at me like rogue waves in the Pacific. I know what's coming - a lot of work for me. I was pretty enthusiastic when my first was a baby, but now after thirteen years of this I think I finally realize the truth: this is work and I am the one to make it happen.

So what's happening? What am I doing? Who am I? I am the Sacred Keeper of the Family Ritual. I am going to add that to my resume - sounds pretty darn impressive. That's because it is. It's a big job. I create, prepare for and maintain the many different  experiences that that we repeat over and over as family - these are also called family traditions. Sometimes a family ritual is ordinary like eating meals together each evening; sometimes family rituals are part of annual events, like going to the County Fair or celebrating traditional holidays.

 Family rituals ranging from from simple family meals together to annual holiday celebrations have great importance on the health and well-being of our families. Family rituals hold families together. They create a sense of security and are a marker of time for us and for our children. Positive family rituals foster good communication and strong emotional connections. Here's a link to an article I like highlighting some of the benefits of family rituals (I am particularly tickled with the section under Stage 1 where it quotes, "teens who do such routine family work as washing dishes show more concern and care for others." - now that's a good reason to get your teen's hands in the soapsuds!) And here's a link to a blog post about creating simple family rituals.

In my family, I am the primary Sacred Keeper of the Family Ritual - kind of like the director and producer - I make it happen. I suspect that women are generally the ones who take on the heavy-workload part of this job - it may not be so 100% of the time, but I would bet that's the case the majority of the time. Just sayin'. My husband is more of the techie and stage prop guy who I have to direct around - he definitely adds his touches, performs a lot of the manual heavy lifting and follows through; he's just not planning or orchestrating the whole thing. The success of family rituals, however, depends on every family member's involvement, enthusiasm and support.

Family rituals make an impression on us - they affect us. The way we approach our rituals speaks volumes about who we are and what we value. They tell a story. Our family story. Are we connected to traditions handed down from our family history? Are we creating new, different rituals arising from our own individual family dynamics? Is thoughtful consciousness put into our ritual experience or is it done without thought or care? These experiences that we choose mold our children's beings and affect their experiences and the memories they will carry of family life and connectedness.

I appreciate having a reminder that the effort I put into these experiences has value. That creating and sustaining family rituals that have meaning for my family is something worth doing. When creating my family rituals these are some elements I like to keep in mind:

Breaking from the daily grind: Just getting through the day-to-day can be overwhelming; there is so much to do. Family rituals can provide a time of reprieve - whether it's as simple as purposefully gathering to watch a family movie together or as entailed as a whole day devoted to celebrating an important event.

Our Birthday Table sans the Tante Migi cake; Youngest voted for ice-cream cake this year

Yes -it's a homemade ice cream cake in all its bumpy glory

In our household, birthdays are sacred days with special family rituals. The birthday person arises to find the main dining table cleared of its myriad piles of books, school materials and what-have-you, and decorated with gifts, flowers and a special family recipe - the Tante Migi Cake; no "school work" is done on that day and we often go on a special outing; we have our special cake and open presents in the afternoon; the birthday person chooses a restaurant of their choice for a special birthday dinner (we don't go out a lot so this is a big deal.) This is the ritual that has developed over time in our little family and is now expected with great anticipation.

Bestowing beauty: A family ritual is an opportunity to consciously bring beauty into our lives. Flowers, candles, and other items that are artfully arranged can bring a sense of uniqueness and sacredness to any event. Decorations abound everywhere in stores, but I especially love things from nature or made by my children. For the fall we have collected pumpkins, gourds and leaves, and my youngest child made Halloween decorations out of salvaged wood pieces and acrylic paint. The table by our front door is a special place where we can put decorations to celebrate each season. Decorations that are saved and used year after year give children (and adults!) great delight when they are unpacked to be used for the special occasion.

The beginnings of our Autumn display

Bringing joy: A family ritual is a chance to evoke pleasure and good feelings for each family member. Anticipating and then experiencing a particular, expected family ritual can result in feelings of satisfaction and contentment. Family rituals often center around food or include food; the sharing of food raises oxytocin levels in our bodies - oxytocin is often referred to as the "love hormone"; it's the hormone that helps cinch our feelings of connectedness. We can get the same good feelings from oxytocin when we look into our family member's eyes, which is probably more likely to happen in the slower, more conscious environment involved in family ritual experiences when we are enjoying each other's company. Consciously being aware of what might particularly delight or bring joy to our loved ones during a family ritual can be fun a puzzle to solve; it could be as simple as picking out a favorite flavor of ice cream as a surprise for dessert.

Yum! At the LA County Fair

 Another article I read came to a clear conclusion about family rituals that I find so true  - (this article is a little bit longer so I'll quote the part of the conclusion I found particularly meaningful):

First, families are constructions of our own making, requiring a mindful, knowledge-driven approach to their maintenance and success. Second, family rituals are commonly underestimated and overlooked; as decades of research supports, family rituals are some of the most powerful sites of rich and meaningful family interaction, and are the primary contributors to family identity...conscious attention to making and maintaining a strong family is difficult and ceaseless, yet fruitful and highly satisfying work (my emphasis).

Yes, it is work, isn't it? That's always been my point. So, as we enter into another holiday season, know that all your efforts to create special experiences and memories for your family matters. Those family dinners, family game night, family hikes every Saturday, and special holidays - whatever it is you and your family do, it all counts. You are working hard and it's all adding up to strong bonds and positive feelings in your family - whether you're a couple or a family of ten. Creating positive, conscious family rituals creates a strong foundation on which love can flourish and grow; we can then bring forth this love into the rest of the world - it needs it. This year, for us, Santa Claus is coming to town. How about for you?

The Importance of Being Vulnerable

 I've been wanting to share this video with you . I just love this talk. Plus, I had no idea someone could even do this kind of work for a living! Sounds good to me...

There are so many things I would love to write about from Brene Brown's talk, but for this post I am just going to focus on what she said was the crux of what separated wholehearted persons from regular folks (at least regular folks here in the Western world, I'm thinking) - Brene identified the variable which separates the wholehearted from the rest of the crowd as this: wholehearted persons believe that they are worthy of love and belonging.

Wow. I think we need a moment to really absorb the profundity of that statement. The wholehearted possess a deep sense of worthiness and a strong sense of love and belonging. Does that statement make you want to cry? I feel like crying. The sad fact is that so many Americans struggle with something as basic as their feelings of worthiness. This doesn't happen in all cultures. I am remembering a statement from one of Jack Kornfield's books that said when he was training with the Buddhist monks they were perplexed by this particular (and peculiar to them) state of struggle/unworthiness - it didn't exist is their communities

Whoa. Okay. Let's just sit with that for a moment. It's not just a fact of life that everyone struggles with unworthiness. This develops somehow. There is some type of cultural difference the allows for the development of this negative state among its people.

Photo by Luca.gargano

This is a complex issue with more than one source. But I want to get back to the basics - the building blocks so to speak. In Traditional cultures, mother and baby pairs have natural births, breastfeed and remain in close contact with each other day and night. Breastfeeding goes on for several years (world-wide average is 4.5 years and that includes our crummy U.S. statistics.) A baby's dependance and need for his mother is generally understood as a normal development and to be expected of babies and toddlers. Closeness and community are encouraged.

In the U.S. distance is encouraged from the beginning. Our highly medicalized births rely  on technology and many mothers feel a distrust of their bodies as if they were machines that might malfunction at any moment; mothers and babies are more likely to be separated in a hospital birthing scenario.  Immediately after the baby is born everyone's asking and joking about whether the baby is "sleeping through the night." Babies are expected to sleep away from their mothers in cribs. Bottles and pacifiers are culturally accepted and preferred over the natural state of breastfeeding, especially in public. Mothers in the workforce have virtually no support in the workplace with pathetic maternity leaves that barely give enough time for these mothers to even get their milk supplies established, much less for them to even enjoy breastfeeding and their relationships with their infants.  Parents are encouraged to leave their infants for "date night" before the baby is barely out of the newborn period in order to assure the "strength" of their marriage/relationship. I could go on and on, but I think you get my drift.

Brene states that the underpinning for this sense of worthiness of love and belonging is rooted in vulnerability. That those who are wholehearted embrace their vulnerability as beautiful and necessary. She says that the state of vulnerability is what allows us to be seen, really seen. 

Photo by tacticdesigns

Humans are at their most vulnerable state in infancy. For a more in depth explanation of this concept, I like this article which explains the biological reasons for a baby's vulnerability and what his needs are: The Science of Attachment: The Biological Roots of Love  A baby is unable to regulate his own self and relies on his mother for regulation of his body and his emotions. He relies on his mother for nourishment. He has absolutely no concept of his separateness from the mother in the beginning - at this stage he truly is one with the world. His concept of himself as a separate being develops over time and even when he develops this awareness of himself as separate from his mother, he still needs her to help him regulate himself. He cannot meet his own needs. Human babies are in fact very dependent for a long time.

Photo by Kim+5

A baby can only try to get his needs met by communicating with his facial expressions, body language and cries. Something is not right, something feels funny - baby communicates. Is mother there? Is she responding? Is he really being seen? But the mother holds the cards of power in her ability to respond or not to his needs. Responding to her infant and helping him reach a balanced state based on his needs and his cues creates in the infant this sense of worthiness - this sense of love and belonging. This is the time to do it - in the early years - to build in the child, this incredible human being, these blocks of self-worth because it really is a more difficult job later on (if even possible.) This happens by respecting and responding to the little one's needs, by embracing his dependance and by mother being there.

And I think that this togetherness is essential for the mother in fortifying her sense of self-worth, too. She is the center of her baby's universe. She is the essential one. It is through her that her baby is nourished and satisfied. Baby thrives due to this interdependence with his mother. What some women are afraid will undermine their autonomy and independence, thinking (wrongly perhaps) that yielding to an infant's unrelenting needs may weaken their own sense of self - this act of complete giving is in fact empowering. When a mother experiences her body's ability to care for and nourish her infant - well,  Breastfeeding Makes You a Mama Bear! Mama gets her grrrrrrrroove.

Mothering through breastfeeding is also an opportunity for healing and for strengthening our own sense of ourselves. I firmly believe it is a second chance for those of us who did not get the strongest building blocks in our own infancies. Sometimes it brings up painful feelings, but by working through the discomfort in the end we come out stronger. And we also get the amazing opportunity to create strong selves in our babies and children. To relish their wholeheartedness. How can we not feel gratified by that? It's a worthy goal.

The No-Choice Choice: Having to Do the Unthinkable

It's quiet in the house tonight. But it's a sad quiet. Today we had to do the unthinkable.

It's been a long, rough road to this point. What started out with joy and good intentions ended up being one of the toughest decisions my husband and I have had to make. I am relieved. My husband is tormented.

Our story begins like this:
Once upon a time a Man wanted a dog. He wanted a dog so badly that he felt obsessed. He fantasized about owning a German Shepherd - a big, masculine dog; you know, none of those little fru-fru dogs for him. 


His Wife wasn't so keen on having another dog after the recent passing of their two older dogs; plus, their having owned a GS before, she dubbed this breed "German Shedders" and really didn't want to deal with the mounds of hair all over the house. She was also bone weary from caring for their two children, homeschooling and having responsibility for the household. 


However, the Man truly was obsessed with getting a GS. The Wife finally gives in because it's important to the Man and dogs are supposed to good for one's health by providing a positive environment. 


The Man does lots of research. Picks out the puppy by himself because the travel is too much for the young children. Puppy is brought home. Cared for. Loved. Exercised every day. Properly trained (no treat training for a GS!). Family is warned by Trainer that this dog is "going to be an asshole." Family laughs it off and thinks the Trainer is  exaggerating.


Around the time the dog is almost a year, the Man gets ill. Dog starts acting weird and growling at children. Dog no longer allowed to sleep in the room with everyone. Man gets better.


Dog continues to growl around children. Then proceeds to correction bite them when the children reach for a stick or something else. Man and Wife are freaked out by this, but still think it's correctable. Decide to neuter the dog.


Dog tries to take out the Vet by going for her throat at the veterinary clinic. The event was so traumatic for the Man that it is decided that the Wife will bring the dog in for the actual neutering because maybe the dog feels over-protective of the Man. Dog is successfully neutered.


Life goes on. Continued growling by the dog. And incidents of biting. The Wife is bitten. Now the Wife is afraid of the dog. Children can no longer feed the dog nor be around when the dog is fed. Dog growls if Wife puts on leash for a walk. The dog hates walks anyways and drags at the back to slow everything down until he figures out that they are going back home. Wife pissed because the dog is not even good for exercise. No one can touch, pet or love the dog. Except for by throwing balls. 


The dog ends up not even being good for protection because he needs to be put in his crate to avoid growling and confrontations with family members other than the husband when in the house. The dog goes to the crate by himself or the back bathroom. He doesn't want to integrate. 


Conversely, the dog loves the Husband. Can have fun with the children in the backyard by jumping over courses that they design for him. He likes to boss his minions around by only dropping his ball when he wants to and then barking like crazy until someone throws it for  him. He also likes "two-ball" -  a game where he holds one ball in his mouth and noses another ball toward a willing participant to kick to him; dog greatly enjoys watching the human run around the backyard kicking the ball toward him while he stares at the ball with enormous intent and occasionally noses it back. Sometimes he'll lavish the youngest child with licky kisses. 


Over the years, the aggression escalates. The oldest child hits puberty and the dog doesn't like it. A threat to pack order. He constantly targets the oldest child by growling and sometimes charging. The oldest child cannot enter a room that the dog is in even to get a pair of socks. The dog must be constantly monitored and doors closed to keep them apart and oldest child safe.


Lots of effort is thrown at this situation to try to make it better. The Trainer informs the Man and Wife, "What you guys have here is a Ferrari; what you need is a mini-van." They are bummed. They pay him to help them re-home the dog then hear from him once and then never again. The Breeder tells them to smack the dog's nose with a rolled up newspaper and then proceeds to never return any of their calls or e-mails. The Man and Wife reach out to different shelters. Ask for help from anyone they can think of. Desperate for a solution. The Wife even calls in an Animal Psychic. 


Years go by. No solution. Doors closing. Everyone in the house feels hostage. The Man still loves the dog and feels responsible for him, yet the Man is also tormented by the stress that is constantly evoked in the house by the dog's behavior. The youngest child loves the dog as young children do and doesn't want him to go. The oldest child loves the animal, but feels rightly afraid of this dog and cannot walk freely in her own home. The Wife is at her wits end. She is waiting for the Man to do the right thing.


The Man gets ill again. The Wife fears greatly for the Man's health and survival. The Wife has had it. The protection of the family and the health of the husband has priority over all else. The dog must go. All doors have closed on chances for the dog: 

• He cannot go to a family
• He cannot to go an average single person who does not understand this dog's aggression and might let someone approach or pet it
• He cannot be a protection dog
• He cannot be a service dog
• He cannot go to a shelter because no shelter wants a huge, fearful aggressive animal that cannot be re-homed 

One option comes up only if it is approved of by the Board of the Special Training Facility: The dog can be placed into a special program to train it and try to re-home it in in 8 weeks for $3,000. The New Trainer warns the Wife that this dog will be nearly impossible to place and that staying longer will cost more. Wife figures it will cost nearly $6,000 to $12,000 to try to give this dog a chance and he still may not find a proper home. The Wife also realizes that passing this problem dog onto someone else is not fair, nor is it particularly safe for people out there in the world.


Wife draws a line in the sand. The. Dog. Must. Go. With the only option now being that the dog must be put down. Wife goes to the local vet. Clinic looks at his chart and tells Wife that the dog is too aggressive to be put down there. They need to go to a special clinic that deals with this sort of thing. The Man locates an euthanasia specialist who can come to the house. The Man will have to administer the lethal dose because no one can get near the dog. Plus the Man really loves the dog, feels responsible for the dog and wants the dog to be respected and have a peaceful ending. The Wife just wants the Man to be at peace with however it is done (if she lived in Texas, she would have already taken care of it with a shotgun.)


On the designated day, no one can even love or pet the dog goodbye (expcept maybe the Man); the children have a last run around the backyard with the dog and the Wife then takes the children from the house. The deed is successfully done. The dream of a happy ending for the dog - of the dog running around on some kind of ranch in the open, happy and free - never materialized, despite desperate wishing, hoping and dreaming on everyone's part. It was an ending. Just not a happy one. 


That is our story in a nutshell. It's not everything but most of it. I can hardly believe it even happened. After I finish writing this blog, I will walk through our living room to go to bed without the dog growling at me as I pass by him.

My oldest daughter can now walk freely through the house to search for articles of clothing that she has dropped carelessly on the floor. My youngest will be sad and start hammering at us for another dog. My husband will be very, very sad. He is heartbroken over this. This is the hardest for him.

For me, I am relieved. I do not even feel sad for the death of this dog. Although I do feel sad about the whole situation. This has been the most painful ordeal. Working for and waiting for an palatable resolution. Enduring the stress and intensity of the situation. Waiting and waiting for my husband to make the choice. Sometimes I felt angry that he was not taking action. But in the end, it was I who needed to make the push. Maybe that was the right thing. To take this terrible burden of the choice from him. And at the right time. By this time we were all at our complete wit's end with only the most terrible option in front of us.

I remember when my mother put down her Cocker Spaniel because he was a biter. My husband and I were aghast. Who could do such a thing? Surely the dog was controllable. And our perception as dog owners had always been that only bad or incompetent owners had bad dogs.

Well, this was quite a lesson. I am not sure I have taken in all the parts of this lesson yet, but I am trying to see the big picture. Definitely it fortifies my belief, "Never say never" because that particular situation may just come up in your life to teach you that you are capable of doing just what you said you would never do.

As far as our dog: His name was Udo. I called him Fritz. I hope he is now in a place where he feels safe and at ease; with lots of ball throwing and juicy steaks; a place to run, jump and play; and bark at squirrels. May he rest in the most delicious peace.

The Real Junk on Food

Photo credit: Chichacha at Flikr

A Facebook friend shared a New York Times article, "Is Junk Food Really Cheaper?"
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/25/opinion/sunday/is-junk-food-really-cheaper.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1

This generated an interesting discussion. I was struck by the statement in the article, "The core problem is that cooking is defined as work, and fast food is both a pleasure and a crutch."

Um, Newsflash:  Cooking is work, not just defined as work. You can take my word for it. I cook for my family multiple times per day, day after day after day after day. I also have expertise due to my old employment; I was an actor - oh, excuse me - waitress. I worked in an establishment where I was actually paid to serve food cooked by people who were paid to cook. Imagine that! Now I cook and serve for free and will not get any professional credit for my efforts (sometimes I do get appreciation, as well as hugs and kisses.)

Let's get right to the heart of this problem. Cooking takes time. Planning meals takes time. Sigh, cleaning up takes time. Heck, cooking meals that you haven't planned takes even more energy and time. Sure, this should be a shared deal. Partners should pitch in a little more. Oh, I know - there is someone out there reading this whose husband actually cooks most of the meals in their family or maybe even does 50% of the load. Please give me a moment while I pick myself off the floor and then go grab a hankie. I am happy for you, really I am. Let me take this moment to remind you of how very lucky you are and then get back to reality here. In most households women do the cooking.

Photo courtesy of Flickr

If my husband were to do most of the cooking, it would be meat and potatoes (probably fries) with nary a vegetable in sight. Maybe a salad once in while. But none of those dark, leafy greens. No whole grains. A definitely nothing tantalizing to the palate. This is just not my guy's strength or interest. Just like I have absolutely no desire to learn how to change the brakes on our car - of course, that doesn't have to be done as often as cooking - but you know what I mean.  He's also working his butt off to support our family while I stay home with the kids.

Photo credit to Jesper at Flickr

Which gets me back to the point that I wanted to make which is that staying home, cooking  and caring for your family is work. Real bonafide work - because if you aren't doing it, you are paying someone to do it. Or you are paying the price - like the price to one's health by not eating healthy, fresh foods. Throughout history women have traditionally been the experts in the kitchen - knowing how to cook and make fresh foods. But, I am sorry to say that the work of women has been devalued by our society on so many levels. Is it really surprising that stressed, over-worked women don't feel like putting in the effort? If the effort needed to healthfully feed our children, our partners, our families counts for nothing by society (and I am stating this because at this present time I do not think that this is something that can be put on one's resume) can we really be surprised by the serious health and behavior problems caused by eating junk foods? I think not.

Certainly, each of us bears personal responsibility for food choices. But I strongly believe that there is a societal responsibility as well to create the support and the environment that encourages the healthy eating of real food. Let's start by honoring, truly valuing the work of and creating real social support for those who do most of the cooking: Mothers.