The Christmas Bah-Roo: A Tail of Hope - Part I

Friday, December 23rd, The Mission: Visit Santa Claus. Time is running out. Daughter 2 wants to see Santa because how on earth would he know just what she wanted otherwise - and the stakes are high this year with her heart's desire being the Kanani doll, the Girl of the Year from American Girl. We had been to American Girl Place at the Grove just last week and the stock of Kanani items was shrinking. A desperate state of affairs.

Now, my preference was to visit old Santa at the Westside Pavillion - smaller lines, quicker  trip (long to-do list with Christmas around the corner) and we could have lunch at Nordstrom's afterwards. But I could see the glitter and glamour of visiting Santa at the Grove  gleaming in my children's eyes. We wait for Dad to finish his business meeting then all take off mid-morning for the fancy outdoor mall. Upon arrival we are number 492 in line for Santa - over a three hour wait. Not happening. Disappointing, as this destination was far, far away from our home.

We did a quick run through at American Girl Place (the place was packed and watch out for those mommies and grandmas with the huge red bags - might run you down!). All items of Kanani had been completely sold out. Now the pressure for Santa to come through was really on. Daughter 1 buys a silly knitted hat the shape of a horse's head at a little vendor cart (she's horse obsessed). Then we take off.

New destination: Westside Pavillion and Santa Claus. We actually find a parking place not too far from an entrance and we are on our way. Santa's line is manageable (but slow moving). Success looks to be had.  While waiting in line we take turns looking into the shops. On one return, Daughter 1 and Dad arrive with news that there is the cutest dog down on the first floor at the new L.A. Love and Leashes Adoption Store. Groan. Now it's my turn to accompany said Daughter to the animal adoption center as the line is moving s.l.o.w.l.y. Double groan. About seeing the dog. I really don't want to.

I dutifully go downstairs to the L.A. Love and Leashes Adoption Center. Daughter 1 and Daughter 2 accompany me. The dog is a little mutt type. White. Grey spotted ears. Short legs. Curly tail. Kind of cute, but nothing to get too excited about. Daughter 1 is all excited and exclaiming how cute the dog is and how it came up to her. I read the posted paper about the dog. Name: Snowy. Age: Thirteen-years-old. Oh. My. God.

I turn to the girls. "Girls, this dog is thirteen. She's not going to live much longer. One or two years if we're lucky. I don't want you to have to feel sad about another loss." They assure me that they know and they understand. While we are looking at the dog a man comes up to Daughter 1 and recognizes her from the barn where she rides; his daughter rides at the same barn. His wife runs the adoption center. Groan. A connection to bring us in deeper. I hustle the girls back up to Santa with the hope that that will be that. Visit Santa. Lunch a Nordstrom's. Back home to finish getting ready for Christmas. All neat and tidy.

Finally we get to see Santa. Daughter 1 decides that she'll sit with Santa, too, this year (even though we didn't expect her to - she is thirteen); but she thinks it'll be fun to wear the horse hat in the photo and she's feeling silly and fun. Santa's lovely and the picture turns out darling. I'm ready for lunch!

Then my husband suggests we all go down to the adoption center. You. Have. Got. To. Be. Kidding. You may wonder why I am so leery about this whole scenario. You see, we just survived a major fiasco with our last dog.  After years of dealing with unwarranted doggy aggression and mental illness, I have absolutely no desire to get another dog any time soon if at all (and I've always been a dog lover.)  Daughter 2 has been lobbying the past month for a dog for Christmas. No way. I keep telling the kids maybe in a year, but in my mind it's actually, maybe never.

So, back at the adoption center we look at the dog again. The other dad whose wife runs the operation encourages the girls to take the dog for a walk. I'm overwhelmed with mixed emotions. I feel bad for this dog - she's thirteen, who the hell is going to adopt her? She's a big medical bill waiting to happen. She does seem friendly and the girls can actually pet her. But I still feel tense and scared each time anyone goes to touch her. I really do not want a dog right now. And I'm hungry. I appeal to my family's hunger factor and we all go to lunch.

During lunch I'm trying to figure out what my husband's deal is with this dog. Is he really thinking we are getting this dog? What are the girls feelings? Does everyone understand this is an older dog and that we could experience her loss in the very near future? Daughter 1 seems to have a strong desire for and connection to this dog. Daughter 2 prefers to have a pug (there is not one there, just a lot of Chihuahua mixes), but really she loves all animals and would be happy with anything that is small enough that she could actually walk it herself.

I can't believe we are having this discussion. From a practical point of view, I am  thinking, "No way." But I am also feeling here. And I am trying to understand. Because I know from our last experience that we feel we have a psychic debt because we took a life so that we feel we owe a life. If we got another dog, it was going to be a "rescue."  I am also taking into account my oldest daughter's connection with this dog. It came up to her. She is the one who suffered the most from our last dog's aggression. I know that although logically she knows it is not her fault, that being a child she will still feel some responsibility for our other dog's death. Feelings aren't logical.

The girls go back to L.A. Love and Leashes while we pay the bill and I try to ferret out what the heck my husband's stance is on this one. It comes down to the fact that we both believe it is very unlikely that anyone will take on a dog this age and we feel we owe the universe a debt. But we are still not committed. We are hoping when we go down, that maybe someone else will have already miraculously adopted the dog.

Back at Love and  Leashes. We cautiously pet the dog. My husband picks her up to make sure she is not aggressive.  We try to find out her back story (surrendered by her owners a couple of days before to Los Angeles Department of Animal Services and the owners didn't speak very good English, that's all they know.) I am trying to figure out if she likes us and wants to go with us, but there is so much going on and the dog just seems to want to leave the mall, period. We notice her jumping up on an older lady and make the connection that her other owner may have possibly been a senior. I am hoping this lady will take her. She leaves.

I am filled with anxiety. My husband is afraid to commit. He's afraid of making a mistake again. So am I. We are worried about aggression rearing its ugly head. After confiding to the other dad about our experience, he assures us he will take the dog back if it doesn't work out. That sounds good. An escape plan.

Finally, I just say okay. I can't stand the thought of her not being adopted simply because she is old. She walks so nicely with the girls and seems to be handling the stress of the whole crazy atmosphere well. Even as I say, "yes", I am filled with anxiety and my heart feels tight. My husband conveniently disappears with the girls to take the dog for a walk outside while I fill out the paperwork.

While I am at the main table waiting to take care of business, one volunteer says the dog seems like a white German Shepherd and Corgie mix (I feel like waving my hands in the air and letting her know that the Shepherd part is not a good selling point for us.) Then another volunteer suggests that I get pet insurance because she just spent $2500 on medical bills for her dog (umm, are they really trying to get me to adopt this dog?) That's then topped off with "male" being written down for the dogs gender - big freak out moment as I definitely don't want a male dog, but it turns out to be an error.

Finally, all the proper papers are signed. A check is written (by me.) The bell is rung. And we are congratulated for being the new owners of Snowy.

My husband and I are shell-shocked. What on earth have we done? We are still on the first floor, so we stumble out the door to the outside. Since I'm better at navigating the car out of the parking garage because I know this mall better, I volunteer to get the car and pick them up outside (I am also going off the fact that my poor husband doesn't look like he can really emotionally maintain right now, so I better handle the heavy machinery.)  I have to pay a five dollar fee since we were there waaaaay over the free three hours due to dithering over the dog. Nice.

I pick everyone up. Snowy jumps in eagerly. The dog loves car rides in direct proportion to our other one not . She seems happy. She has stinky dog breath coming from her enthusiastic wide-open mouth. Her tail is wagging. She's probably hoping we are taking her back to her owner. Poor thing.

She seems unsure when we arrive at our house. We feel unsure, too. All of us feel not quite safe petting her. Already, her acquisition has brought forth discussion on how scared we felt with our other dog and how we no longer trusted any dog. Wounded souls. We and this new dog. And so we step into our house and begin again...

To be continued...

The Sacred Keeper of the Family Ritual

Santa wasn't coming to our house this year. No, I haven't been naughty (at least not naughty enough, although that might be fun) -- just wiped. After a tumultuous year feeling as if I had been on the stretching rack to the point of breaking, the thought of gearing up for Christmas just felt like too much. I just wanted to run away. You see ... I am Santa Claus. I am so sorry to break the news to you - hope I haven't shattered your whole world. I want to believe in Santa Claus, too; if only he would deliver me a personal assistant and a housekeeper life would be pretty sweet. But, it ain't happening.

Why on earth am I writing about Christmas when it's October? I hear you - I find it annoying to see shops putting up Christmas decorations in early October (saw this happening at Macy's and spotted holiday cards at Barnes and Nobles - they're on sale btw). Hello! Halloween hasn't even been celebrated yet. My kids don't even have their costumes yet either. But that's the point. Because, as soon as October hits, it's all over for me - Youngest Child's Birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Mother and Sister's Birthdays, Advent, Christmas, New Year's Eve, Epiphany and Husband's Birthday. I am tired just looking at the list. I just complete one event, come up for air and the next one is coming relentlessly at me like rogue waves in the Pacific. I know what's coming - a lot of work for me. I was pretty enthusiastic when my first was a baby, but now after thirteen years of this I think I finally realize the truth: this is work and I am the one to make it happen.

So what's happening? What am I doing? Who am I? I am the Sacred Keeper of the Family Ritual. I am going to add that to my resume - sounds pretty darn impressive. That's because it is. It's a big job. I create, prepare for and maintain the many different  experiences that that we repeat over and over as family - these are also called family traditions. Sometimes a family ritual is ordinary like eating meals together each evening; sometimes family rituals are part of annual events, like going to the County Fair or celebrating traditional holidays.

 Family rituals ranging from from simple family meals together to annual holiday celebrations have great importance on the health and well-being of our families. Family rituals hold families together. They create a sense of security and are a marker of time for us and for our children. Positive family rituals foster good communication and strong emotional connections. Here's a link to an article I like highlighting some of the benefits of family rituals (I am particularly tickled with the section under Stage 1 where it quotes, "teens who do such routine family work as washing dishes show more concern and care for others." - now that's a good reason to get your teen's hands in the soapsuds!) And here's a link to a blog post about creating simple family rituals.

In my family, I am the primary Sacred Keeper of the Family Ritual - kind of like the director and producer - I make it happen. I suspect that women are generally the ones who take on the heavy-workload part of this job - it may not be so 100% of the time, but I would bet that's the case the majority of the time. Just sayin'. My husband is more of the techie and stage prop guy who I have to direct around - he definitely adds his touches, performs a lot of the manual heavy lifting and follows through; he's just not planning or orchestrating the whole thing. The success of family rituals, however, depends on every family member's involvement, enthusiasm and support.

Family rituals make an impression on us - they affect us. The way we approach our rituals speaks volumes about who we are and what we value. They tell a story. Our family story. Are we connected to traditions handed down from our family history? Are we creating new, different rituals arising from our own individual family dynamics? Is thoughtful consciousness put into our ritual experience or is it done without thought or care? These experiences that we choose mold our children's beings and affect their experiences and the memories they will carry of family life and connectedness.

I appreciate having a reminder that the effort I put into these experiences has value. That creating and sustaining family rituals that have meaning for my family is something worth doing. When creating my family rituals these are some elements I like to keep in mind:

Breaking from the daily grind: Just getting through the day-to-day can be overwhelming; there is so much to do. Family rituals can provide a time of reprieve - whether it's as simple as purposefully gathering to watch a family movie together or as entailed as a whole day devoted to celebrating an important event.

Our Birthday Table sans the Tante Migi cake; Youngest voted for ice-cream cake this year

Yes -it's a homemade ice cream cake in all its bumpy glory

In our household, birthdays are sacred days with special family rituals. The birthday person arises to find the main dining table cleared of its myriad piles of books, school materials and what-have-you, and decorated with gifts, flowers and a special family recipe - the Tante Migi Cake; no "school work" is done on that day and we often go on a special outing; we have our special cake and open presents in the afternoon; the birthday person chooses a restaurant of their choice for a special birthday dinner (we don't go out a lot so this is a big deal.) This is the ritual that has developed over time in our little family and is now expected with great anticipation.

Bestowing beauty: A family ritual is an opportunity to consciously bring beauty into our lives. Flowers, candles, and other items that are artfully arranged can bring a sense of uniqueness and sacredness to any event. Decorations abound everywhere in stores, but I especially love things from nature or made by my children. For the fall we have collected pumpkins, gourds and leaves, and my youngest child made Halloween decorations out of salvaged wood pieces and acrylic paint. The table by our front door is a special place where we can put decorations to celebrate each season. Decorations that are saved and used year after year give children (and adults!) great delight when they are unpacked to be used for the special occasion.

The beginnings of our Autumn display

Bringing joy: A family ritual is a chance to evoke pleasure and good feelings for each family member. Anticipating and then experiencing a particular, expected family ritual can result in feelings of satisfaction and contentment. Family rituals often center around food or include food; the sharing of food raises oxytocin levels in our bodies - oxytocin is often referred to as the "love hormone"; it's the hormone that helps cinch our feelings of connectedness. We can get the same good feelings from oxytocin when we look into our family member's eyes, which is probably more likely to happen in the slower, more conscious environment involved in family ritual experiences when we are enjoying each other's company. Consciously being aware of what might particularly delight or bring joy to our loved ones during a family ritual can be fun a puzzle to solve; it could be as simple as picking out a favorite flavor of ice cream as a surprise for dessert.

Yum! At the LA County Fair

 Another article I read came to a clear conclusion about family rituals that I find so true  - (this article is a little bit longer so I'll quote the part of the conclusion I found particularly meaningful):

First, families are constructions of our own making, requiring a mindful, knowledge-driven approach to their maintenance and success. Second, family rituals are commonly underestimated and overlooked; as decades of research supports, family rituals are some of the most powerful sites of rich and meaningful family interaction, and are the primary contributors to family identity...conscious attention to making and maintaining a strong family is difficult and ceaseless, yet fruitful and highly satisfying work (my emphasis).

Yes, it is work, isn't it? That's always been my point. So, as we enter into another holiday season, know that all your efforts to create special experiences and memories for your family matters. Those family dinners, family game night, family hikes every Saturday, and special holidays - whatever it is you and your family do, it all counts. You are working hard and it's all adding up to strong bonds and positive feelings in your family - whether you're a couple or a family of ten. Creating positive, conscious family rituals creates a strong foundation on which love can flourish and grow; we can then bring forth this love into the rest of the world - it needs it. This year, for us, Santa Claus is coming to town. How about for you?