The Importance of Being Vulnerable

 I've been wanting to share this video with you . I just love this talk. Plus, I had no idea someone could even do this kind of work for a living! Sounds good to me...

There are so many things I would love to write about from Brene Brown's talk, but for this post I am just going to focus on what she said was the crux of what separated wholehearted persons from regular folks (at least regular folks here in the Western world, I'm thinking) - Brene identified the variable which separates the wholehearted from the rest of the crowd as this: wholehearted persons believe that they are worthy of love and belonging.

Wow. I think we need a moment to really absorb the profundity of that statement. The wholehearted possess a deep sense of worthiness and a strong sense of love and belonging. Does that statement make you want to cry? I feel like crying. The sad fact is that so many Americans struggle with something as basic as their feelings of worthiness. This doesn't happen in all cultures. I am remembering a statement from one of Jack Kornfield's books that said when he was training with the Buddhist monks they were perplexed by this particular (and peculiar to them) state of struggle/unworthiness - it didn't exist is their communities

Whoa. Okay. Let's just sit with that for a moment. It's not just a fact of life that everyone struggles with unworthiness. This develops somehow. There is some type of cultural difference the allows for the development of this negative state among its people.

Photo by Luca.gargano

This is a complex issue with more than one source. But I want to get back to the basics - the building blocks so to speak. In Traditional cultures, mother and baby pairs have natural births, breastfeed and remain in close contact with each other day and night. Breastfeeding goes on for several years (world-wide average is 4.5 years and that includes our crummy U.S. statistics.) A baby's dependance and need for his mother is generally understood as a normal development and to be expected of babies and toddlers. Closeness and community are encouraged.

In the U.S. distance is encouraged from the beginning. Our highly medicalized births rely  on technology and many mothers feel a distrust of their bodies as if they were machines that might malfunction at any moment; mothers and babies are more likely to be separated in a hospital birthing scenario.  Immediately after the baby is born everyone's asking and joking about whether the baby is "sleeping through the night." Babies are expected to sleep away from their mothers in cribs. Bottles and pacifiers are culturally accepted and preferred over the natural state of breastfeeding, especially in public. Mothers in the workforce have virtually no support in the workplace with pathetic maternity leaves that barely give enough time for these mothers to even get their milk supplies established, much less for them to even enjoy breastfeeding and their relationships with their infants.  Parents are encouraged to leave their infants for "date night" before the baby is barely out of the newborn period in order to assure the "strength" of their marriage/relationship. I could go on and on, but I think you get my drift.

Brene states that the underpinning for this sense of worthiness of love and belonging is rooted in vulnerability. That those who are wholehearted embrace their vulnerability as beautiful and necessary. She says that the state of vulnerability is what allows us to be seen, really seen. 

Photo by tacticdesigns

Humans are at their most vulnerable state in infancy. For a more in depth explanation of this concept, I like this article which explains the biological reasons for a baby's vulnerability and what his needs are: The Science of Attachment: The Biological Roots of Love  A baby is unable to regulate his own self and relies on his mother for regulation of his body and his emotions. He relies on his mother for nourishment. He has absolutely no concept of his separateness from the mother in the beginning - at this stage he truly is one with the world. His concept of himself as a separate being develops over time and even when he develops this awareness of himself as separate from his mother, he still needs her to help him regulate himself. He cannot meet his own needs. Human babies are in fact very dependent for a long time.

Photo by Kim+5

A baby can only try to get his needs met by communicating with his facial expressions, body language and cries. Something is not right, something feels funny - baby communicates. Is mother there? Is she responding? Is he really being seen? But the mother holds the cards of power in her ability to respond or not to his needs. Responding to her infant and helping him reach a balanced state based on his needs and his cues creates in the infant this sense of worthiness - this sense of love and belonging. This is the time to do it - in the early years - to build in the child, this incredible human being, these blocks of self-worth because it really is a more difficult job later on (if even possible.) This happens by respecting and responding to the little one's needs, by embracing his dependance and by mother being there.

And I think that this togetherness is essential for the mother in fortifying her sense of self-worth, too. She is the center of her baby's universe. She is the essential one. It is through her that her baby is nourished and satisfied. Baby thrives due to this interdependence with his mother. What some women are afraid will undermine their autonomy and independence, thinking (wrongly perhaps) that yielding to an infant's unrelenting needs may weaken their own sense of self - this act of complete giving is in fact empowering. When a mother experiences her body's ability to care for and nourish her infant - well,  Breastfeeding Makes You a Mama Bear! Mama gets her grrrrrrrroove.

Mothering through breastfeeding is also an opportunity for healing and for strengthening our own sense of ourselves. I firmly believe it is a second chance for those of us who did not get the strongest building blocks in our own infancies. Sometimes it brings up painful feelings, but by working through the discomfort in the end we come out stronger. And we also get the amazing opportunity to create strong selves in our babies and children. To relish their wholeheartedness. How can we not feel gratified by that? It's a worthy goal.