My Inner Compass: A Path to Thanks Giving

Photo credit: John - Heaven's Gate (Flickr)

The frenzy of the holidays is now upon me. Today has been spent baking and cleaning as we prepare for Thanksgiving (the cleaning is no small task in our house; I am looking around in despair - was not this place somewhat cleaned up just two days ago? Aghhhh!) And the preparations always take much longer than I think they will take; I thought the kitchen would be clean already but I was blindsided by the amount of time the baking has taken. Right now I am avoiding a sink full of dishes to clean and dry (our dishwasher broke - should add an interesting component to the holiday.) This is the third round of dishes and pots and pans today. Ugh.

Despite all this, I am looking forward to the holiday. Thanksgiving has special meaning in our family. On my mother's side of the family, our ancestors came across on the Mayflower. One was the guy that fell overboard but managed to catch hold of some rope and got pulled back on board - good thing or I might not be here today. (The fact of his falling overboard is pretty exciting to our family as he is actually mentioned in books describing the incident.) His name was John Howland. He married fellow Mayflower passenger Elizabeth Tilley; they had ten children and eighty-eight grandchildren. I am trying to wrap my mind around those figures. They had more grandchildren than I had guests at my wedding. Wow. That also makes me distantly related to George W. Bush and Sarah Palin. Bummer.

I wonder what my ancestors thought and felt before they took this passage across the ocean to an unknown land. This was a dangerous journey to an "untamed" area - the New World. Such a journey required enduring known and unknown hardships culminating in trying to survive in a new environment with virtually nothing. This was an act that took enormous faith and courage. I think also an enormous trust in following one's instincts or heart. Stepping foot onto the Mayflower changed the course of their lives forever.

We all have different journeys that come up during the course our lives which hold the potential to transport us to a whole new realm of living and understanding. One of my most profound journeys began when I became pregnant with my first child. I stepped foot onto a path that would forever change who I was, what I thought and how I behaved. And yet, I did not know it at the time. I simply said, "Yes. I am taking this journey to a New World" without fully realizing what this New World would entail nor where it would take me.

Photo credit: Ryan G. Dickerson (Flickr)

I didn't know a thing about this journey of parenting. I had not planned nor prepared for it beforehand in any way. I knew absolutely nothing about birthing, breastfeeding or the responsibility of caring for another human being on any conscious level (although instinctively all that is there if we don't let society get in the way - but I didn't know that either.) What I did have was an internal compass - an internal guide (feeling) that let me know I was on the right course. And I had fortuitous encounters with outside guides (like a chance meeting with someone or finding the perfect book) which bolstered me, encouraged me and affirmed that I was headed in the right direction.

While I wasn't sure of specifics of how to get there, I did know where I wanted to go: I wanted the very best, most healthy start for my children; I wanted them to know how deeply they were loved; I wanted them to have a strong core sense of self which would offer them the best resilience to the obstacles that life would inevitably throw their way; I wanted them to have a solid understanding of who they were as individuals and a strong internal compass that would guide them well on their own journeys in life.

For me this journey started with an interest in natural childbirth - that was kindled accidentally by a neighbor who was studying the Bradley Method for her own birth. And one footstep down this path led to another and another. Desire for a natural childbirth led to an interest in breastfeeding; a little book called Twenty-Five Things Every New Mother Should Know led me to a La Leche League meeting (which was really unusual for me - I didn't really go to group things like that) which I loved; breastfeeding led me to the path of instinctive mothering - staying home with my children, carrying them or wearing them in a sling, bed-sharing (the crib became a really expensive clean laundry basket), and breastfeeding according to their need. I felt comfortable listening to and meeting my children's needs. Eventually my compass pointed unmistakably toward educating my girls at home. This definitely felt like a leap into the proverbial void - a journey like my ancestors into an unknown and unpredictable world.

These experiences have actually strengthened my internal compass. My intuition has become more finely tuned through mothering. My awareness of my relationships, of my environment and of all that is around me has grown. Listening to my internal compass has facilitated in me a stronger sense of self and self-confidence.  I have become more focused. More aware. More loving in a conscious way. This came from following my own unique path. Acknowledging and honoring my internal guide. And then moving forward from there.

Along this path I have cultivated friendships with some of the most wonderful people I have ever met. I would not know these fine friends if not for this particular parenting journey. If I had parented in another manner, taken a different path, our lives would not have intersected. Certainly not on any deep level. I feel so very grateful for their presence in my life.

Along this path I have taken my husband. A bit unwilling at times. Sometimes kicking and screaming. At times the path I was pointing to seemed absolutely crazy to him. It did not look like his friends' paths. It did not look like our neighbors' paths. Yet, he can now see what a beautiful and rich place this journey has taken us to (and is still taking us.) And he has influenced the journey, too  - especially during this time in our family life where he has really been trail-blazing with the girls by cultivating their interests and activities. He has become the head guide here; I am following along admiring the view.

Along this path I have experienced the deepest love I have ever known if my life, both with my children and with my husband. I have gained healing and self-confidence. I have grown in infinite ways that maybe I will never completely understand, but yet I feel like I know so much more than I ever did before I had children. This was all because I said, "Yes. Yes, I will go on a journey to a New World trusting my self, my partner and nature to provide for me all that I will need." How very grateful I feel for this journey, this path that is still unfolding before me.

For you, I hope you are approaching your own unique path with gusto, trust and openness. Follow your inner compass - your heart. It will lead you to the most exquisite and beautiful places. Go... and enjoy. Godspeed!

Photo credit: Donald Leetch (Flickr)

Safe Sleep Campaign Butchers Breastfeeding

So, breastfeeding got stabbed in the back this week with Milwaukee's launch of the new photos for its Safe Sleep Awareness Campaign. Perhaps you've seen the controversial photographs of babies sleeping in fluffy beds with big knives right next to them?

Gee, how subtle.

What I find particularly disturbing about this campaign is that by focusing on scaring people from co-sleeping the City of Milwaukee Health Department abdicates taking on the real issues contributing to infant deaths in their area. "Co-sleeping" is a easy scapegoat. Issues such as low rates of breastfeeding, alcohol and drug abuse, smoking, economic stress, poor pre-natal care, specifics of unsafe sleeping conditions, and lack of real support for mothers (especially single mothers) are swept aside. Instead, we get a one-size fits all blanket statement "Co-sleeping in a bed with your baby is as dangerous as your baby sleeping with a butcher's knife" = only a crazy, irresponsible parent would do that!

Really? This is the best solution they can come up with? How is this scare-tactic approach going to help mothers (and fathers) confronting the constant and relentless needs of their helpless infants? And it certainly does not aid the cause of increasing breastfeeding rates (which is a major public health concern) because breastfeeding success is intimately intertwined with infant nighttime needs. Simply put, babies are designed to breastfeed and they are also designed to wake frequently at night to nurse; this provides the best insurance for their growth and survival. Our babies are designed to sleep near their mothers.

Despite public health campaigns that promote crib sleeping for infants and malign bed-sharing, many mothers and babies end of sharing sleep at some point. This study investigates where babies in the U.S. really end up sleeping. When health care and government agencies fail to consider the very real needs of mothers and infants during the night, demonize bed-sharing and fail to educate parents about safe sleep conditions for bed-sharing they inadvertently put babies in greater danger. Desperate mothers in their attempt to avoid bed-sharing may accidentally fall asleep in far more dangerous places with their infants like arm chairs, rockers or sofas (which would still labeled as "co-sleeping" by our state agencies even though it's the very thing these moms are trying to avoid.)

Talk about co-sleeping invariably triggers strong emotional responses in people. In preparing to write this blog I got swept away reading people's emotion laden responses to this issue. When a baby dies, this is a heartbreaking tragedy; people rightly want to prevent this from happening. And when it comes to where babies sleep, people have strong feelings, partially from wanting to protect babies and partly from believing they know the "right way" that infants should sleep. I noticed people can be pretty judgmental about the whole thing.

The truth is we can't prevent all infant deaths - there is no absolute guarantee in any situation be it in an adult bed, a crib, a bassinet or a playpen. A mother whose infant dies in a crib is just as devastated as the mother whose baby dies in her arms or next to her. Each mother is going to wonder if she could have done something differently so that her baby could still be here. Each mother is doing her best to do the right thing. Somehow, though, society likes to point a more judgmental finger at the "co-sleeping" mom. I am not understanding the reason for this - this attitude is distinctly biased.

What would really be helpful for parents in order to decide where is the best and safest place for their infant to sleep is a good hard look at the science behind infant sleep and nighttime needs. And to give parents more accurate statistical risks of co-sleeping. We really aren't there yet as a society; misinformation abounds from popular parenting magazines and books to advice from medical caregivers. New parents are bombarded with messages that their infants should be "sleeping through the night" and often have absolutely no awareness of how normal and beneficial it is for babies to wake frequently at night. Babies wake at night frequently to nurse and to be near their mothers. This is normal. Really. And an honest and realistic discussion about what constitutes normal infant sleep and how families can meet their infant's needs is desperately needed.

Does this mean that mothers and babies have to bed-share? No. There are lots of possible sleeping arrangements, but many families are probably going to bed-share at some point even if it's just out of desperation to finally get some sleep one night. That's why anti-bed-sharing campaigns are not helpful and can even cause the very problems they are trying to stop. According to the health campaigns, this is a health issue, not a moral one, so let's really take a good look at the facts and reality. The issue is to prevent infant death by providing a safe sleeping environment. So, let's make sure sleep conditions are safe, but we also need to acknowledge the reality of infant nighttime needs.

Photo and sculpture: JeanetteRansing (Flickr)

With statements like this, "Infants may be brought into bed for nursing or comforting, but should be returned to their own safe space to sleep when the parent is ready to return to sleep," I have to truly wonder whether any of the staff at the Milwaukee Health Department are even parents who have ever cared for an infant. That statement just seems out of touch and unrealistic. The mother is the one who actually has to interact and care for her infant night after night after night after night; this care work is exhausting. Do you really think she isn't going to pass out from exhaustion at some point? Let's get real. Guidelines have got to be realistic and they've got to work. Since mothers will probably sleep with their infants at some point, let make sure everyone knows what the parameters are for safe co-sleeping or bed-sharing. That's being realistic.

And one of the ways we can make sharing sleep more safe in addition to spelling out the specifics of safe bed-sharing is by promoting, supporting and protecting breastfeeding. We really need to do more to make sure mothers and infants are able to breastfeed successfully and support this symbiotic and essential relationship. Breastfeeding is one of the major contributing factors towards preventing infant death.

In this Fox News story, "Is Sleeping with Your Infant Right or Wrong?", we see the Milwaukee Health Department's prior approach before the baby and knife photos with the same campaign using a headstone for the headboard bearing the same message - uh, it didn't really work the first round and if they are not addressing the real concerns (like not breastfeeding and how to safely meet an infant's needs) then I really don't see how it's going to have more success this time. The idea of making bed-sharing illegal strikes me as a truly frightening prospect; and warped, too - yeah, that's right, make breastfeeding next to impossible, continue policies that perpetuate a complete lack of support for families and then prosecute them when they are just trying to meet their baby's needs. Scary.

Families need support. Mothers especially need support. They need help making breastfeeding a success with public health and social policies that truly make nursing their infants possible. Not scare tactics, but real information and support services to help them make the decisions that are in the best interest of their family.

To simply admonish parents not to sleep with their infants, ever, under any circumstances, is unrealistic, quite possibly unethical, and does not provide the optimum in nutrition and sleep physiology.                                                Morgan et al. JOGNN 2006; 35: 685-691

Amen.