The Christmas Bah-Roo: A Tail of Hope - Part II

December 24th, Christmas Eve: The day before Christmas turns out to be a busy day - we lost most of the day before due to the impromptu acquisition of Snowy the dog from L.A. Love and Leashes. All that we didn't finish yesterday needs to be done today combined with the list that had already been formed just for the day of Christmas Eve. We still have to finish putting out the Christmas decorations (boxes and boxes of stuff), make cookies for Santa, wrap final gifts and clean up. Along with the just the usual meal making, etc. Daughter 1 has a riding lesson at the barn. We need to get dog food for the dog (we only have kibble that is left over from our 90+ lb dog, not suitable for a 20 pounder.) Church plans are scrapped - there is literally not enough time and we don't want to be away from the dog for that long of a period since everything is new and uncertain to her. We want at least one of us around for her during the day - although we do have plans to go out for Chinese food for dinner. I am absolutely not making dinner tonight.

Snowy the dog follows us around all day. Never letting us out of her sight. In the 24 hours since bring her home we learn the following about her:

• She snores: Last night I had her on one side of me in a little makeshift bed on the floor. My husband was on the other side (in the bed, not on the floor). It felt like Surround Sound of snoring activity. 
• She doesn't care for the menu: Last night we only had our late dog's oversized kibble which was probably also stale - so I get it. But, we end up purchasing Solid Gold: Just a Wee Bit, which is a high rated dog food (my husband does the research) and she turns her nose up. She does like people food, though. We have a friend that make her dogs fresh food everyday - sure hope Snowy's not used to that, because I don't think that's going to happen over here. I am not sure if she is not eating because of stress, sadness or just because it's a new taste.  My husband says when she gets hungry enough, she'll eat.  
• She loves walks: Wow. She's like regular dogs who actually get excited at the sight of the leash and runs to the front door, tail wagging. We are stunned. The girls can even clip the leash onto the dog's collar without being growled at, bitten, or otherwise fearing for their life. She looks so cute and gung-ho on the walk - and boy, I can't believe how fast such little legs can walk (makes a real cute clip, clip, clip sound, too!)
• She doesn't respond to "Snowy": Okay, that's probably not her real name. She doesn't seem to have any name recognition at all. We try Chloe and Zoe. Nope. Well, it was probably a good name for a dog at Christmas time in the adoption center - and the girls like it. So, I guess it will stay.
• She doesn't bark: We notice she is unusually quiet. At first I worry that maybe she had her vocal cords cut, but then we do a little more research which leads us to believe she is part Basenji; she has the wrinkle between the brow, the big ears, the shape of her face, the short coat and the curly tail. And the no barking - definite clue. We are delighted. White German Shepherd mix - bah!
• She's affectionate: Snowy apparently loves attention and being petted. She wants to be part of the pack and follows us around everywhere (especially me.) We are cautious and apprehensive at first, but gain more confidence over the day. This dynamic generates a lot of sharing about how traumatized we all felt over the experience with our late dog, Udo.

Taking Snowy on trips in the car is an added, unexpected bonus. She loves the car. She is small enough that she can travel around with us and go places where she is allowed. My husband and the girls take Snowy with them to the pet store to get her proper kibble. They return with the goods plus a brand new red collar to adorn her neck. Daughter 1 thought red would be the perfect color for Snowy. She was right - Snowy looks stylish. Red sets off her white and grey coat perfectly.

Our first separation from Snowy occurs when we leave to go out for Chinese food. Luckily the restaurant is close - we'll only be gone about an hour. But we feel bad leaving her alone. Although she has been following us around all day - she's probably beat and would finally enjoy a nice nap. 

When we return home our predictions of her having Basenji blood are confirmed. As we emerge from our car we hear the strangest sounds emerging from our home - something that sounds like a cross between braying and a yodel - this is the Basenji bah-roo. We burst into laughter. The unexpected sound delights us to the core. 

We excitedly open the door to our bah-rooing animal. She is so happy to see us. We are so happy to see her. Seeing her wagging tail, her welcoming doggy body language, her openness to our affectionate pats and pets - I experience this welling of feeling in my chest. I can't quite tell if I am sad or happy. Maybe the feeling is grief; maybe the feeling is relief; maybe the feeling is joy. Maybe it is all of these.

The Sacred Keeper of the Family Ritual

Santa wasn't coming to our house this year. No, I haven't been naughty (at least not naughty enough, although that might be fun) -- just wiped. After a tumultuous year feeling as if I had been on the stretching rack to the point of breaking, the thought of gearing up for Christmas just felt like too much. I just wanted to run away. You see ... I am Santa Claus. I am so sorry to break the news to you - hope I haven't shattered your whole world. I want to believe in Santa Claus, too; if only he would deliver me a personal assistant and a housekeeper life would be pretty sweet. But, it ain't happening.

Why on earth am I writing about Christmas when it's October? I hear you - I find it annoying to see shops putting up Christmas decorations in early October (saw this happening at Macy's and spotted holiday cards at Barnes and Nobles - they're on sale btw). Hello! Halloween hasn't even been celebrated yet. My kids don't even have their costumes yet either. But that's the point. Because, as soon as October hits, it's all over for me - Youngest Child's Birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Mother and Sister's Birthdays, Advent, Christmas, New Year's Eve, Epiphany and Husband's Birthday. I am tired just looking at the list. I just complete one event, come up for air and the next one is coming relentlessly at me like rogue waves in the Pacific. I know what's coming - a lot of work for me. I was pretty enthusiastic when my first was a baby, but now after thirteen years of this I think I finally realize the truth: this is work and I am the one to make it happen.

So what's happening? What am I doing? Who am I? I am the Sacred Keeper of the Family Ritual. I am going to add that to my resume - sounds pretty darn impressive. That's because it is. It's a big job. I create, prepare for and maintain the many different  experiences that that we repeat over and over as family - these are also called family traditions. Sometimes a family ritual is ordinary like eating meals together each evening; sometimes family rituals are part of annual events, like going to the County Fair or celebrating traditional holidays.

 Family rituals ranging from from simple family meals together to annual holiday celebrations have great importance on the health and well-being of our families. Family rituals hold families together. They create a sense of security and are a marker of time for us and for our children. Positive family rituals foster good communication and strong emotional connections. Here's a link to an article I like highlighting some of the benefits of family rituals (I am particularly tickled with the section under Stage 1 where it quotes, "teens who do such routine family work as washing dishes show more concern and care for others." - now that's a good reason to get your teen's hands in the soapsuds!) And here's a link to a blog post about creating simple family rituals.

In my family, I am the primary Sacred Keeper of the Family Ritual - kind of like the director and producer - I make it happen. I suspect that women are generally the ones who take on the heavy-workload part of this job - it may not be so 100% of the time, but I would bet that's the case the majority of the time. Just sayin'. My husband is more of the techie and stage prop guy who I have to direct around - he definitely adds his touches, performs a lot of the manual heavy lifting and follows through; he's just not planning or orchestrating the whole thing. The success of family rituals, however, depends on every family member's involvement, enthusiasm and support.

Family rituals make an impression on us - they affect us. The way we approach our rituals speaks volumes about who we are and what we value. They tell a story. Our family story. Are we connected to traditions handed down from our family history? Are we creating new, different rituals arising from our own individual family dynamics? Is thoughtful consciousness put into our ritual experience or is it done without thought or care? These experiences that we choose mold our children's beings and affect their experiences and the memories they will carry of family life and connectedness.

I appreciate having a reminder that the effort I put into these experiences has value. That creating and sustaining family rituals that have meaning for my family is something worth doing. When creating my family rituals these are some elements I like to keep in mind:

Breaking from the daily grind: Just getting through the day-to-day can be overwhelming; there is so much to do. Family rituals can provide a time of reprieve - whether it's as simple as purposefully gathering to watch a family movie together or as entailed as a whole day devoted to celebrating an important event.

Our Birthday Table sans the Tante Migi cake; Youngest voted for ice-cream cake this year

Yes -it's a homemade ice cream cake in all its bumpy glory

In our household, birthdays are sacred days with special family rituals. The birthday person arises to find the main dining table cleared of its myriad piles of books, school materials and what-have-you, and decorated with gifts, flowers and a special family recipe - the Tante Migi Cake; no "school work" is done on that day and we often go on a special outing; we have our special cake and open presents in the afternoon; the birthday person chooses a restaurant of their choice for a special birthday dinner (we don't go out a lot so this is a big deal.) This is the ritual that has developed over time in our little family and is now expected with great anticipation.

Bestowing beauty: A family ritual is an opportunity to consciously bring beauty into our lives. Flowers, candles, and other items that are artfully arranged can bring a sense of uniqueness and sacredness to any event. Decorations abound everywhere in stores, but I especially love things from nature or made by my children. For the fall we have collected pumpkins, gourds and leaves, and my youngest child made Halloween decorations out of salvaged wood pieces and acrylic paint. The table by our front door is a special place where we can put decorations to celebrate each season. Decorations that are saved and used year after year give children (and adults!) great delight when they are unpacked to be used for the special occasion.

The beginnings of our Autumn display

Bringing joy: A family ritual is a chance to evoke pleasure and good feelings for each family member. Anticipating and then experiencing a particular, expected family ritual can result in feelings of satisfaction and contentment. Family rituals often center around food or include food; the sharing of food raises oxytocin levels in our bodies - oxytocin is often referred to as the "love hormone"; it's the hormone that helps cinch our feelings of connectedness. We can get the same good feelings from oxytocin when we look into our family member's eyes, which is probably more likely to happen in the slower, more conscious environment involved in family ritual experiences when we are enjoying each other's company. Consciously being aware of what might particularly delight or bring joy to our loved ones during a family ritual can be fun a puzzle to solve; it could be as simple as picking out a favorite flavor of ice cream as a surprise for dessert.

Yum! At the LA County Fair

 Another article I read came to a clear conclusion about family rituals that I find so true  - (this article is a little bit longer so I'll quote the part of the conclusion I found particularly meaningful):

First, families are constructions of our own making, requiring a mindful, knowledge-driven approach to their maintenance and success. Second, family rituals are commonly underestimated and overlooked; as decades of research supports, family rituals are some of the most powerful sites of rich and meaningful family interaction, and are the primary contributors to family identity...conscious attention to making and maintaining a strong family is difficult and ceaseless, yet fruitful and highly satisfying work (my emphasis).

Yes, it is work, isn't it? That's always been my point. So, as we enter into another holiday season, know that all your efforts to create special experiences and memories for your family matters. Those family dinners, family game night, family hikes every Saturday, and special holidays - whatever it is you and your family do, it all counts. You are working hard and it's all adding up to strong bonds and positive feelings in your family - whether you're a couple or a family of ten. Creating positive, conscious family rituals creates a strong foundation on which love can flourish and grow; we can then bring forth this love into the rest of the world - it needs it. This year, for us, Santa Claus is coming to town. How about for you?