My Inner Compass: A Path to Thanks Giving

Photo credit: John - Heaven's Gate (Flickr)

The frenzy of the holidays is now upon me. Today has been spent baking and cleaning as we prepare for Thanksgiving (the cleaning is no small task in our house; I am looking around in despair - was not this place somewhat cleaned up just two days ago? Aghhhh!) And the preparations always take much longer than I think they will take; I thought the kitchen would be clean already but I was blindsided by the amount of time the baking has taken. Right now I am avoiding a sink full of dishes to clean and dry (our dishwasher broke - should add an interesting component to the holiday.) This is the third round of dishes and pots and pans today. Ugh.

Despite all this, I am looking forward to the holiday. Thanksgiving has special meaning in our family. On my mother's side of the family, our ancestors came across on the Mayflower. One was the guy that fell overboard but managed to catch hold of some rope and got pulled back on board - good thing or I might not be here today. (The fact of his falling overboard is pretty exciting to our family as he is actually mentioned in books describing the incident.) His name was John Howland. He married fellow Mayflower passenger Elizabeth Tilley; they had ten children and eighty-eight grandchildren. I am trying to wrap my mind around those figures. They had more grandchildren than I had guests at my wedding. Wow. That also makes me distantly related to George W. Bush and Sarah Palin. Bummer.

I wonder what my ancestors thought and felt before they took this passage across the ocean to an unknown land. This was a dangerous journey to an "untamed" area - the New World. Such a journey required enduring known and unknown hardships culminating in trying to survive in a new environment with virtually nothing. This was an act that took enormous faith and courage. I think also an enormous trust in following one's instincts or heart. Stepping foot onto the Mayflower changed the course of their lives forever.

We all have different journeys that come up during the course our lives which hold the potential to transport us to a whole new realm of living and understanding. One of my most profound journeys began when I became pregnant with my first child. I stepped foot onto a path that would forever change who I was, what I thought and how I behaved. And yet, I did not know it at the time. I simply said, "Yes. I am taking this journey to a New World" without fully realizing what this New World would entail nor where it would take me.

Photo credit: Ryan G. Dickerson (Flickr)

I didn't know a thing about this journey of parenting. I had not planned nor prepared for it beforehand in any way. I knew absolutely nothing about birthing, breastfeeding or the responsibility of caring for another human being on any conscious level (although instinctively all that is there if we don't let society get in the way - but I didn't know that either.) What I did have was an internal compass - an internal guide (feeling) that let me know I was on the right course. And I had fortuitous encounters with outside guides (like a chance meeting with someone or finding the perfect book) which bolstered me, encouraged me and affirmed that I was headed in the right direction.

While I wasn't sure of specifics of how to get there, I did know where I wanted to go: I wanted the very best, most healthy start for my children; I wanted them to know how deeply they were loved; I wanted them to have a strong core sense of self which would offer them the best resilience to the obstacles that life would inevitably throw their way; I wanted them to have a solid understanding of who they were as individuals and a strong internal compass that would guide them well on their own journeys in life.

For me this journey started with an interest in natural childbirth - that was kindled accidentally by a neighbor who was studying the Bradley Method for her own birth. And one footstep down this path led to another and another. Desire for a natural childbirth led to an interest in breastfeeding; a little book called Twenty-Five Things Every New Mother Should Know led me to a La Leche League meeting (which was really unusual for me - I didn't really go to group things like that) which I loved; breastfeeding led me to the path of instinctive mothering - staying home with my children, carrying them or wearing them in a sling, bed-sharing (the crib became a really expensive clean laundry basket), and breastfeeding according to their need. I felt comfortable listening to and meeting my children's needs. Eventually my compass pointed unmistakably toward educating my girls at home. This definitely felt like a leap into the proverbial void - a journey like my ancestors into an unknown and unpredictable world.

These experiences have actually strengthened my internal compass. My intuition has become more finely tuned through mothering. My awareness of my relationships, of my environment and of all that is around me has grown. Listening to my internal compass has facilitated in me a stronger sense of self and self-confidence.  I have become more focused. More aware. More loving in a conscious way. This came from following my own unique path. Acknowledging and honoring my internal guide. And then moving forward from there.

Along this path I have cultivated friendships with some of the most wonderful people I have ever met. I would not know these fine friends if not for this particular parenting journey. If I had parented in another manner, taken a different path, our lives would not have intersected. Certainly not on any deep level. I feel so very grateful for their presence in my life.

Along this path I have taken my husband. A bit unwilling at times. Sometimes kicking and screaming. At times the path I was pointing to seemed absolutely crazy to him. It did not look like his friends' paths. It did not look like our neighbors' paths. Yet, he can now see what a beautiful and rich place this journey has taken us to (and is still taking us.) And he has influenced the journey, too  - especially during this time in our family life where he has really been trail-blazing with the girls by cultivating their interests and activities. He has become the head guide here; I am following along admiring the view.

Along this path I have experienced the deepest love I have ever known if my life, both with my children and with my husband. I have gained healing and self-confidence. I have grown in infinite ways that maybe I will never completely understand, but yet I feel like I know so much more than I ever did before I had children. This was all because I said, "Yes. Yes, I will go on a journey to a New World trusting my self, my partner and nature to provide for me all that I will need." How very grateful I feel for this journey, this path that is still unfolding before me.

For you, I hope you are approaching your own unique path with gusto, trust and openness. Follow your inner compass - your heart. It will lead you to the most exquisite and beautiful places. Go... and enjoy. Godspeed!

Photo credit: Donald Leetch (Flickr)

Safe Sleep Campaign Butchers Breastfeeding

So, breastfeeding got stabbed in the back this week with Milwaukee's launch of the new photos for its Safe Sleep Awareness Campaign. Perhaps you've seen the controversial photographs of babies sleeping in fluffy beds with big knives right next to them?

Gee, how subtle.

What I find particularly disturbing about this campaign is that by focusing on scaring people from co-sleeping the City of Milwaukee Health Department abdicates taking on the real issues contributing to infant deaths in their area. "Co-sleeping" is a easy scapegoat. Issues such as low rates of breastfeeding, alcohol and drug abuse, smoking, economic stress, poor pre-natal care, specifics of unsafe sleeping conditions, and lack of real support for mothers (especially single mothers) are swept aside. Instead, we get a one-size fits all blanket statement "Co-sleeping in a bed with your baby is as dangerous as your baby sleeping with a butcher's knife" = only a crazy, irresponsible parent would do that!

Really? This is the best solution they can come up with? How is this scare-tactic approach going to help mothers (and fathers) confronting the constant and relentless needs of their helpless infants? And it certainly does not aid the cause of increasing breastfeeding rates (which is a major public health concern) because breastfeeding success is intimately intertwined with infant nighttime needs. Simply put, babies are designed to breastfeed and they are also designed to wake frequently at night to nurse; this provides the best insurance for their growth and survival. Our babies are designed to sleep near their mothers.

Despite public health campaigns that promote crib sleeping for infants and malign bed-sharing, many mothers and babies end of sharing sleep at some point. This study investigates where babies in the U.S. really end up sleeping. When health care and government agencies fail to consider the very real needs of mothers and infants during the night, demonize bed-sharing and fail to educate parents about safe sleep conditions for bed-sharing they inadvertently put babies in greater danger. Desperate mothers in their attempt to avoid bed-sharing may accidentally fall asleep in far more dangerous places with their infants like arm chairs, rockers or sofas (which would still labeled as "co-sleeping" by our state agencies even though it's the very thing these moms are trying to avoid.)

Talk about co-sleeping invariably triggers strong emotional responses in people. In preparing to write this blog I got swept away reading people's emotion laden responses to this issue. When a baby dies, this is a heartbreaking tragedy; people rightly want to prevent this from happening. And when it comes to where babies sleep, people have strong feelings, partially from wanting to protect babies and partly from believing they know the "right way" that infants should sleep. I noticed people can be pretty judgmental about the whole thing.

The truth is we can't prevent all infant deaths - there is no absolute guarantee in any situation be it in an adult bed, a crib, a bassinet or a playpen. A mother whose infant dies in a crib is just as devastated as the mother whose baby dies in her arms or next to her. Each mother is going to wonder if she could have done something differently so that her baby could still be here. Each mother is doing her best to do the right thing. Somehow, though, society likes to point a more judgmental finger at the "co-sleeping" mom. I am not understanding the reason for this - this attitude is distinctly biased.

What would really be helpful for parents in order to decide where is the best and safest place for their infant to sleep is a good hard look at the science behind infant sleep and nighttime needs. And to give parents more accurate statistical risks of co-sleeping. We really aren't there yet as a society; misinformation abounds from popular parenting magazines and books to advice from medical caregivers. New parents are bombarded with messages that their infants should be "sleeping through the night" and often have absolutely no awareness of how normal and beneficial it is for babies to wake frequently at night. Babies wake at night frequently to nurse and to be near their mothers. This is normal. Really. And an honest and realistic discussion about what constitutes normal infant sleep and how families can meet their infant's needs is desperately needed.

Does this mean that mothers and babies have to bed-share? No. There are lots of possible sleeping arrangements, but many families are probably going to bed-share at some point even if it's just out of desperation to finally get some sleep one night. That's why anti-bed-sharing campaigns are not helpful and can even cause the very problems they are trying to stop. According to the health campaigns, this is a health issue, not a moral one, so let's really take a good look at the facts and reality. The issue is to prevent infant death by providing a safe sleeping environment. So, let's make sure sleep conditions are safe, but we also need to acknowledge the reality of infant nighttime needs.

Photo and sculpture: JeanetteRansing (Flickr)

With statements like this, "Infants may be brought into bed for nursing or comforting, but should be returned to their own safe space to sleep when the parent is ready to return to sleep," I have to truly wonder whether any of the staff at the Milwaukee Health Department are even parents who have ever cared for an infant. That statement just seems out of touch and unrealistic. The mother is the one who actually has to interact and care for her infant night after night after night after night; this care work is exhausting. Do you really think she isn't going to pass out from exhaustion at some point? Let's get real. Guidelines have got to be realistic and they've got to work. Since mothers will probably sleep with their infants at some point, let make sure everyone knows what the parameters are for safe co-sleeping or bed-sharing. That's being realistic.

And one of the ways we can make sharing sleep more safe in addition to spelling out the specifics of safe bed-sharing is by promoting, supporting and protecting breastfeeding. We really need to do more to make sure mothers and infants are able to breastfeed successfully and support this symbiotic and essential relationship. Breastfeeding is one of the major contributing factors towards preventing infant death.

In this Fox News story, "Is Sleeping with Your Infant Right or Wrong?", we see the Milwaukee Health Department's prior approach before the baby and knife photos with the same campaign using a headstone for the headboard bearing the same message - uh, it didn't really work the first round and if they are not addressing the real concerns (like not breastfeeding and how to safely meet an infant's needs) then I really don't see how it's going to have more success this time. The idea of making bed-sharing illegal strikes me as a truly frightening prospect; and warped, too - yeah, that's right, make breastfeeding next to impossible, continue policies that perpetuate a complete lack of support for families and then prosecute them when they are just trying to meet their baby's needs. Scary.

Families need support. Mothers especially need support. They need help making breastfeeding a success with public health and social policies that truly make nursing their infants possible. Not scare tactics, but real information and support services to help them make the decisions that are in the best interest of their family.

To simply admonish parents not to sleep with their infants, ever, under any circumstances, is unrealistic, quite possibly unethical, and does not provide the optimum in nutrition and sleep physiology.                                                Morgan et al. JOGNN 2006; 35: 685-691

Amen.

The Taming of the Flu

In my other life (you know, before I had kids) I decided at one point it might be a good idea to actually try to make money doing the acting thing in addition to volunteering my time in 99-seat theatre. So I took the plunge and did extra work; the best money in extra work is in commercials. My first job in the commercial world was for a product which I thought no one would use. We shot all day at Union Station in downtown Los Angeles in front of a make-shift automatic teller machine - the subject was germs. Oh, those grimy, filthy germs you might get from touching the buttons on the machine right after someone else and catch you-know-not-what. I had an immediate eye roll going - like who the heck was going to buy this product? It was so over the top!

That product was Purell. And you know what, I just purchased me five bottles of that there stuff the other day (well, actually I bought the generic version at Ralphs because it had a higher alcohol content and was - as my mother would say - "the right price"). Yup. Had to eat my words almost 16 years later. I did say to never say never, right? You see, Fall has hardly just begun and I've already been dealing with colds - I kind of feel like I'm on the cold merry-go-round with never ending cold symptoms for myself minus the merry feeling. Then the kids finally came down with a cold.

This is a huge ordeal in our family. For a lot of reasons. First, if any of us gals get sick in the family I have to hear my husband's immediate and loud grumbling and complaining about how he can't afford to get sick - I understand; his Blackberry is constantly buzzing. We depend on him for the bacon. He's got to be on his game (he's self-employed) and there are no sick days off for him. I really hate the complaining, though. Mainly because some empathy first would be nice, you know? Second, I totally get something awfully close to PTSD from remembering when my kids were little and spending entire nights for days on end walking around with a sick baby/child because they were so miserable (that was before we finally figured out that a cold mist humidifier is a total godsend.) Third, my oldest girl had pneumonia for the second time last winter (the first time in first grade) and let me tell you, that's scary. So, my husband and I (being the super-emotionally intense people we are) totally flip out inside (and, okay, a little on the outside) whenever anyone is sick.

Before I had children I rarely ever got sick. I had a really healthy constitution. And I'd never really been worried about germs. Now, when someone sends their snotty nosed child over to my house or I hear someone sneezing, I freak out. Like, really, your kid is constantly sneezing and coughing and their nose is running - um, could you please not send her over to my kids' house to play? If I figure this out after the kid has already arrived, I am known for sending the kid back home. Sometimes these situations can't be helped, and sometimes I am the culprit and don't even know one of my kids is sick until later on (illnesses always seem to really come on during the late afternoon or evenings - why is that?); if I've been with friends and my child later becomes sick, I call everyone to apologize and give them the heads-up so they can take whatever precautions they like to take. Some people are relaxed about it; others go into high gear.

I've turned into a high-gear kinda gal. So, hence, the hand sanitizer. And yet, I am not really the healer type interested in medical modalities; I don't carry homeopathic remedies around with me, nor do I know all sorts of alternative healing methods -  heck, I don't even carry Band-aids in my purse (I always admire moms who do; I just can't seem to get my act together.) No one prepared me for this aspect of mothering. In my family, you got 7-Up and Saltine crackers and some Robitussin. No herbal remedies. No humidifier. My family was the generic American type of family. Standard 70's and 80's fare. You did what the doctor said (which was usually prescribing antibiotics.) My mom was really big on germs (her Master's was in epidemiology) but I remember her worrying more about food spoiling than about washing hands. Or, maybe I just never really paid attention to the hand washing part as I now remember she used to put in those little hand wipes in our lunches that I don't think I used. Yeah, I probably wasn't paying attention.

I'd rather not use over-the-counter medicines or any type of prescription medicine unless truly, truly necessary - like when it has become obvious there is no other choice. I definitely believe in the body's amazing ability to heal itself. By taking good care of our bodies and taking precautions hopefully we can ward off many illnesses; and when we do succumb to illness, giving ourselves and our families tender loving care is essential in healing. But, there is an art to healing and a core set of knowledge that's helpful to obtain - both for prevention and for healing. Since natural remedies and healing techniques are not something that has been handed down to me from my family (nor my husband's) and I don't have a natural aptitude for any of this, this is something I have to learn. I find it a little overwhelming. Just trying to get everyone to wash their hands multiple times per day has become my new job. I feel like the Hand-Sanitizer General.

I've been doing a little research and talking with friends trying to figure out how to make this year better. I've looked at conventional medical wisdom and more natural oriented approaches. This summer I took my oldest daughter (the one who has had the pneumonia) to see Dr. Lauren Feder who is an MD who also specializes in homeopathy. I hadn't had any experience with homeopathy (and my husband thinks the whole thing is whoo-haw) but I really felt compelled to do something for my daughter to boost her immune system and do whatever I could to protect her health.

A homeopathic visit felt a little like a therapy session - the doctor wants to know every single aspect of your life: who you are, your past history (birth, etc.) what your interests are, how you feel about events, etc. Then based on this, she prescribes a remedy. Dr. Feder also steered us towards Gemmotherapy which were are using this fall/winter to prevent and treat illness. Frankly, it's reassuring to have a medical professionally trained in both conventional and natural ways of treatment. Dr. Feder also has recommendations on her website for preventing colds and the flu. The only thing I kind of wonder about is the recommendation to avoid swimming during the fall/winter because the year we swam during the fall and winter was actually the one year that we didn't get sick at all (I am thinking the pool acted like one big Neti pot - no virus could possibly survive the public pool chemicals.)

So these are the strategies I am trying out this year in our family:

1. Washing our hands - a lot, especially when we walk in the front door (we weren't really doing this enough I am embarrassed to admit.) I also have hand sanitizer in each car, my purse and by the computer (no one can even touch the keys until they've doused up.) My kids think I'm nuts.
2. Taking pro-biotics and trying to eat more foods that contain these type of healthy organisms: yogurt, kefir, miso soup. I like saurkraut, but no one else in my family does, so that's out.
3. Using a saline nasal spray and then blowing our noses before bed: I really don't want to do the Neti pot - I'm sure it's better for you, but it seems a real pain in the you-know-what which means it will never get done. My youngest found the saline spray funny and each person gets their own with their name on it.
4. Drinking hot tea in the morning - good for creating a warm moist environment beneficial to the sinus area and for washing away any bad mucous that crept upon us during the night. My husband and I drink tea in the morning anyways - I am trying to entice the girls to enjoy some kind of herbal tea before breakfast. 
5. Using Gemmotherapy: The girls are taking Briar Rose and Lithy Tree once a week for prevention and have special instructions from the doctor if they get sick. Heck, I really should probably be taking the adult version, myself. Will look into that this week. (Don't know why I forget about myself).
6. Wearing slippers/socks in the house. Keeping the feet warm was a new one for me; actually, I need to get the oldest daughter and myself some slippers first - she outgrew hers and mine got chewed up by the dog. We have wood floors, so this is probably a good idea. Planning on taking care of that this week.
7. Eating lots of fruits and vegies - the girls would rather eat ice cream, but I'm going to try to make sure we have enough. The thirteen-year-old seems to have a sudden disdain for "healthy foods" and a penchant for whatever I would deem not healthy as a form of independent thinking -- wish me luck.
8. Getting plenty of fresh air and exercise - the girls generally get enough and when we go to Topanga to work with the horses (part of oldest daughter's volunteer work) we get a great boost of both, but I have got to figure out an exercise plan for myself - even if it's just walking around the block (this is every mom's lament is it not?)
9. Going to bed early - The time change and the darker evenings help here - they literally invite an earlier bedtime and act as a reminder to slow down during this part of the season. The youngest is easy; the teen - more challenging as she somehow now wakes up in the evening - go figure. For me, no blogging or Internet late into the night this winter. In bed by 10:00 p.m. is my goal. (Hopefully this will have more success than New Year's Resolutions.)

I am praying that with these endeavors we can lessen our chances of getting colds and avoid the flu. If we get a little something - well, tender loving care is the most important thing; a loving touch goes a long way in promoting healing. I think we always remember how we were treated when we were ill because we are vulnerable during this time and really need thoughtful, caring attention. I really learned the power of this healing attention from my husband who cared for me so tenderly one year when I got the flu.

An article on how doctors keep the cold and flus away, brought up chicken soup as a wonderful old-fashioned remedy. Homemade soup has all the right ingredients to make our family members feel better, plus it's filled with loving energy - can't get that store-bought! Here is our family version:

Organic Chicken Soup/Stock 

1 organic chicken, cut in parts or whole
2 stalks of celery, cut in thirds
2 carrots, cut in thirds
2 onions, quartered
1 or 2 leeks, cut in big chunks (including some of the green stalk)
1 small sweet potato, peeled and cut in half
1 tomato, quartered
3 - 5 whole cloves of garlic
Handful of parsley, including the stems
2 bay leaves
1 tsp. of thyme
1 1/2 to 2 tsp. Pink Himalayan Salt 

Place all ingredients in a large stock pot and cover with water; bring to a boil over high then turn down the heat to medium-low and simmer for 1 1/2 to 2 hours. Strain broth into a bowl. The chicken meat can be removed from the bone and used in the soup or saved for another meal. The broth can be enjoyed by itself. Or, alternatively, you can slice a couple of fresh carrots and celery and add to some of the broth in a smaller pan, cook through and add some of the chicken meat and noodles or rice for a more substantial chicken soup. I also like to freeze some of the extra stock once it has cooled. We discovered that Pink Himalayan Salt is absolutely the secret ingredient that brought the flavor of the chicken stock to a new level. Enjoy!

Wishing you good health this season! Please feel free to share your prevention tips and family remedies...